Relationship Advice
The Right Relationship Can Happen:How To Create Relationship Success by Nancy Pina
Expert relationship advice for anyone searching for relationship guidance, marriage solutions or dating tips.  You can learn how to attract the right relationship partner and create a healthy, lasting, loving union.  Learn how to improve an existing relationship and live an abundant personal life.

Relationship Advice Articles by Nancy Pina 

January 5, 2005

Overcoming Adversity

Do you find yourself praying to God for the right person?  Psalms 37:5 says "Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."  Many people pray but do not believe this passage. 

They ask God for the right relationship and then do everything in their power to bring it to pass.  They want to help God bring it to pass.  God does not need your help.  When you really pray about something and put it in the hands of God, sit down, be quiet and be patient.  God can get it done without you.  You either believe that He will, or you believe that He won't.  If you believe that He will, go on and do something else.  He will bring it to pass - not you.  It is your job to be prepared when He does bring the right person into your life.  It is vital to work on your emotional and spiritual growth during this time so you will be able to recognize the blessing when it does happen.

There is not one illustration in the Bible where God ever made something happen because people were expending effort to make it happen.  And if it did happen, you would become your own savior. 

You either live by faith and trust God or you do it your own way.  Sometimes God makes events happen instantaneously.  But usually you must trust in Him and give Him the time to bring the answer to the natural.

October 6, 2004

How To Marry The Right Woman

As an author, relationship advice expert, and former matchmaker, I understand the universal feeling of desire to meet and marry the right person.

Selecting the right woman may be the most important and life altering decision you will make. This choice determines the level of your future happiness within the relationship. It also affects those whose lives you touch everyday.

Every man has the ability to attract marriage into his life, but deep down, most men seek that amazing woman, the "one" who makes life meaningful.

No man wants to second guess his choice of marriage partner and have a nagging feeling that he settled for someone less than his idea of the right person. Everyone wants to be unquestionably in love, without regrets.

With the materialistic bombardment men receive from media and society, it is easy to loose sight of what qualities are really important to amazing women. A man of character and honor will attract the most amazing woman over the man of material wealth and questionable character.

To attract and marry an amazing woman begins with you. By developing the following qualities in yourself, you will discover the key to living an abundant and personally fulfilling life with the love of your life.

1) Generosity of your time and attention.
An amazing woman will be strongly attracted to a man who freely and willingly shares his time with her. I encourage you to sincerely convey an interest in her and what she wants to accomplish in life. She knows you are focused on your career, but remember that life is all about love - not how many material goals you attain, how far you go in your company or landing the next big deal.

She wants your undivided attention when she's sharing these personal dreams with you. Take the time to pull yourself away from the newspaper, CNN news, the football game, and/or the internet and listen to her share her day with you.

It's the emotional connection that makes an amazing woman want to do more for you day in and day out. When you give your attention to her, you instill a feeling of worthiness.

An amazing woman wants to be able to express her hopes, dreams, concerns and worries to you without fear of condemnation - or worse, being ignored. Nothing makes her feel unappreciated and unloved faster than being shut out by the man she loves.

She doesn't want you to find a solution or fix the issues she discusses with you. Just being able to acknowledge her feelings and offer your emotional support is all that is needed.

2) Making her your priority in life.
By being generous with your time and attention, you convey a sense of security and belief that she is your main priority in life.

It is your responsibility within the relationship to build her confidence up, not tear her down. When her self-esteem is high, she will in turn have the capacity to shower you with her love, attention, devotion and time.

An amazing woman is not attracted to a one-dimensional man who is focused primarily on his career and furthering his agenda. An amazing woman will not share her life with a man who makes her feel as if she's near the bottom of the priority list.

3) Love of family and friends.
An amazing woman wants to share her joy and happiness with family and friends alike. A man who treats his family and friends with respect, loyalty and love knows the importance of relationships and how they enrich and enhance life.

4) Trustworthiness.
She wants to know that you will be there during all times, not just the times when everything is going well. A sense of security is instilled in her when you communicate with each other.

An amazing woman values the relationship and friendship qualities of sincerity and trustworthiness. Trust takes time to develop and by being a man of your word you are building the foundation for a solid relationship.

5) Positive attitude.
An amazing woman is attracted to a man with positive energy. A man who can align his thoughts, words and actions is someone who is not self-centered. An amazing woman is attracted to a man who backs his positive words with action.

He does not wear his feelings on his shoulder or allows every little perceived slight get under his skin and ruin his whole day. He does not get mad every time he gets in the car and encounters bad drivers. He does not go around believing that the world is against him. He knows how to pick his battles and stands up for his beliefs without creating strife for no reason at all.

He gives people the benefit of the doubt and does not take everything so personally. He does not dissect every inflection and tone of voice in what is said in his conversations, looking for an attack on himself and a reason to fight back.

He is man enough to forgive, forget and move on. He does not allow negative thoughts to take root in his heart, leading to grudges against others.

6) Respect and honor.
Your life will be blessed in accordance to the amount of respect and honor you show your relationship partner. The more you hold her in your highest regard, the more your life will be full of favor. We all know of men who treat the woman they love with the least amount of respect, honor and consideration over others.

She has to fend for herself. To really experience an abundant life, she should be the one person you treat the best.

7) Shared faith.
The most important component of a lasting, loving and fulfilling relationship is a shared faith in God. It is the tie that binds you together. Sharing your spiritual journey is a vital, fulfilling and joyful aspect within your relationship.

Striving to be a man of good character will attract a woman who enhances your life, a woman who builds you up and enriches your life. Together you will create a relationship that generates positive feelings for each other. Both your lives will be blessed! Love is so wonderful and life is too short to not fully experience the blessings the right relationship will have in your life.

There is no substitute for sharing your life with the right partner. That person is waiting for you. Your job is to trust that at the right time this person will enter into your life.

Be ready to accept the goodness and blessing of this gift when she arrives.
 

July 25, 2004

Trusting God’s Perfect Timing In Your Relationship Search

 Are you seeking the right relationship and feel that God has not answered your prayers in finding a mate?  God will bring the perfect person into your life at in His perfect timing.  He already has that person picked out for you and it is your responsibility to have faith that you will see that dream manifest into your life.  Of course, God grants you free will.  You can become impatient and force a relationship, but it won’t be the one that God has anointed for you.  He will allow you to experience the wrong relationship if you are in such a big hurry to make something happen in your timing. 

 You ask, why isn’t it happening right now?  You may very well be ready for that special person to come into your life, but God may have a work to do in the other person.  He is working behind the scenes and lining up all the events for you to meet each other.  Trust that He already knows the end from the beginning.  He has your best interest at heart and wants you to experience love in all its wonderful glory.  I’m certainly not encouraging you to sit at home and wait for your perfect relationship partner to come knocking on your door.  Enjoy your life and this stage you are at.  Get out and experience the things you love to do and the things you love to see.  Continue to work on your emotional and spiritual growth.  Keep a good attitude during this time and don’t believe for one second that God’s has forgotten about your dream.  It will all happen - not one second late.

I encourage you not to settle for good enough and wait for the right person in God’s perfect timing.

July 16, 2004

Three's A Crowd In Relationships

The theme of this week’s emails concerns what to do when an ex comes back into the picture.  A number of people wrote how frustrated they were to see their significant other’s ex not only move back into their former life, but actually physically move back in to their home.  They went along with this arrangement, only to see their relationship suffer and rapidly approach an end.  They were at a loss as to what to do.

In relationships, “the truth shall set you free” is a good proverb to live by.  Don’t expect that the person you are dating somehow “knows” what you feel if you have not clear verbalized your love to them.  Don’t sit back and accept an unacceptable arrangement.  Have enough respect for yourself and not allow your emotions to be taken on a rollercoaster ride.

Everyone deserves to experience a healthy and loving relationship with someone who treats them with the respect, gratitude and honor they deserve.  The person you are involved with is the only person you should have a deep emotional connection.  If your significant other has not closed the door to a past relationship or marriage, he/she is not ready for a relationship with you. 

Each person in your past has a place in your heart.  However, just because that person has shared part of your life does not mean they have the right to jump back into your life on a whim.  If you are faced with this issue, understand that the issues that ended your relationship in the past will still be there.  Make sure that before you close the door on a new relationship that you are not trying to create feelings that were never generated in the first place from a past relationship.

June 23, 2004

Do You Attract Temptation? The Infidelity Crisis In America

       Adultery is a devastating experience in marriage. It’s a headline grabbing and titillating topic, especially when public figures such as Bill Clinton reveal their infidelities. As a society, we claim to believe in marriage vows. The statistics say otherwise - according to the New York Daily News, eight out of ten men will be unfaithful to their spouse and almost half of women will cheat during their marriage.

       As a whole, do we place trust in relationships as a convenience when it serves our purposes and an inconvenience when we desire to do something we know morally is wrong? When a spouse commits adultery, he or she reaches a breaking point of unaddressed, suppressed relationship issues with their mate. The affair is not the cause of the underlining problems in the marriage, but a catalyst to reveal those issues. The key is to understand and heal the core emotional reasons for infidelity.

       Was Mr. Clinton more susceptible to infidelity because of his power, high visibility and influence? “Not necessarily so,” says relationship expert and author Nancy Pina. “We are all responsible for our actions and Mr. Clinton is no exception. He found temptations because he placed himself in compromising situations, whether consciously or unconsciously. That has nothing to do with his profession,” states Ms. Pina.

       Ms. Pina further explains that all relationships are driven by feelings. “If a marriage is emotionally and physically fulfilling and based on a solid foundation of trust, faith, love, values, morals and friendship - neither partner will seek attention outside of the relationship,” she says.

       Ms. Pina goes on to say, “Open and honest communication is vital in maintaining an affair-proof marriage. The key is to address feelings of dissatisfaction in marriage as they arise, not suppressing negative issues. Many people are fearful of rocking the boat in a relationship or marriage and push feelings of discontent below the surface. By doing so, the relationship suffers from the tension that arises in other unrelated areas. By openly communicating all feelings and actively creating a sense of safety in revealing that information, many couples can avoid falling into the temptation of adultery.”

       In his interviews this week, Mr. Clinton encouraged people not to give up on their marriage if a spouse has cheated and credits counseling for the recovery of his marriage. Relationship expert Nancy Pina agrees. “Therapy is essential for couples to rebuild their marriage after infidelity. If both partners desire to stay together, therapy will provide recovery tools. Rebuilding trust takes time, willingness and patience.” she clarifies.

       “Forgiveness is necessary for surviving infidelity,” Ms. Pina explains. She points out that “therapy provides an avenue to vent feelings of hurt, pain and betrayal. A good therapist will guide the couple in getting past the affair and truly forgive the behavior.”
 

June 20, 2004

A Dad's Day Tribute      

       My dad passed away when I was 28 years old.  Next week he would have been 70 years old.  He died much sooner than he should have and missed so many experiences and milestones in our family.  My dad saw my brother get married but he missed my wedding and my youngest brother's wedding.  He saw the birth of  one grandchild, but missed the birth of four others.  He missed growing old with my Mom, who misses him so much. 

       He devoted his life to education and made a career in administration.  I know he coached and taught more people than I can imagine.  He inspired many people, young and old.  He was my principal for six years and was very loved.  I knew him as my Dad but I wish I had  the opportunity to know him better as a person, as he was clearly loved by many of his peers and colleagues.

       I know some of my strongest qualities are from my Dad.  He was mature, responsible, athletic and disciplined.  These characteristics have helped me achieve many of my personal goals.

       For many years I didn't understand why my Dad had to pass away.  I now choose to remember all the wonderful experiences my family shared with him and how blessed I am to have had a Dad like him - even only for a short period of time.

       I know if he was here today, he would be proud of all his children, their children and spouses.  Most of all, I believe his heart would be happy to see all of us happily married and close to one another.

June 19, 2004

Are You A Praiser Or A Complainer?

       Do you find yourself complaining about the things you don't have in life more than you praise the things that you do have?   Do you take for granted the blessings in your life?  The key to living a fulfilling life is to enjoy where you are right now.  You will never experience a joyful existence if you are constantly focused on what you believe is lacking in your life. 

       God wants to bless you abundantly, but you must first be grateful for the blessings you have received.  Don't get so caught up in your dreams for the future that you forget to enjoy and give thanks for right now, this time and this place.  God knows what your heart desires.  He knows your prayers even before you say them.  I encourage you to look at the positive in each situation, even when you're tempted to only see the negative.  The more opportunities that come into your path where you choose to stay positive, the more you will be blessed. 

       Once you have made the commitment to be aware of your words and speak positively, you will begin to see your dreams manifest right before your eyes.

June 18, 2004

Trust In Relationships: Emotional Deficiency

       If you believe no one truly cares for you or understands you, a feeling of emotional deficiency controls your behavior. This is another example of a personality pattern that blocks healthy and loving relationships from forming. 

       In dating situations are you attracted to people who rarely listen to you? Are you drawn to aloof, untouchable people? Do you feel that the more you give in a relationship, the less you receive, and you therefore feel misunderstood? In intimate relationships, you may sense that your need for love will never be met adequately by anyone.

       If you suffer from this pattern, you are often attracted to cold and selfish people. You may be cold and selfish yourself, which leads to dissatisfying relationships. You feel cheated and alternate between being angry about it and feeling hurt and alone. Your anger drives others further away and ensures your continued deprivation. You feel empty, emotionally disconnected from others. You really do not know what love is.

       The origins of this schema lie in your relationship with your mother. You might have received a less than average amount of nurturance as a child and were not soothed adequately. You also might have felt unloved because your mother did not give you enough attention. This lack of attention could have instilled a feeling of emotional disconnection from your mother. As an adult, you compensate for your feelings of deprivation by becoming demanding and narcissistic. You may act as if you are entitled to get all your needs met in your relationships.

 

June 17, 2004

Trust In Relationships: Abandonment

       The road to understanding and exploring the past often begins when we are at the lowest point. We can only go up from there. All our lessons and experiences are about ourselves and not other people in our lives. We alone can control our emotions and reactions. We are not responsible for the reactions of others.

       The following is a few brief profile depicting a personality pattern that consists of controlling beliefs that feel natural to you.

       If you believe the people you love will leave, and eventually you will end up emotionally isolated, a feeling of abandonment dictates your behavior. If dating situations, are you drawn to those who are unavailable to you in some significant way? Have you been attracted to married individuals or those who are seriously involved with someone else? Are you drawn to individuals who have limited time for you, such as workaholics, long-distance relationships, or people who travel extensively? Have you been in relationships with people who treat you with ambivalence?

       If you are dealing with this particular pattern, you feel that you will somehow be left alone, whether people close to you may die, leave home forever, or walk out on you for someone else. Because of this belief, you may cling to people too much and end up pushing them away. Even normal, brief partings may upset you.

       Abandonment anxiety begins early in life and involves basic safety. While growing up, you may have experienced a turbulent family environment and felt vulnerable, fragile, and moody. You probably felt that something terrible might happen at any moment. Those who were supposed to love, care for, and protect you did not, which resulted in a feeling of desertion. Because of this pattern, you are drawn into relationships with people who have the potential to trigger this feeling of abandonment. You may be attracted to people who seem to have the potential to provide you with a stable relationship, but never completely fulfill it. Your relationship partners keep you guessing on their level of commitment and connection to you.          

       Because this is a familiar feeling, you are attracted to the idea of never really being sure if they will remain in your life.

June 16, 2004

Trust In Relationships: Does Your Past Mistrust Rule Your Present Relationships? 

       The theme of many of the emails sent to me center around the issue of trust.  Do  you have a core belief that the people you love will eventually cheat on you or betray you in a way that you lose trust?  If so, you will unconsciously manifest that core belief in your present relationship.  You do this to support this deep core belief - your belief needs this validation.  As a result, relationships end and the cycle is repeated until the issue of mistrust is addressed. 

       If you find yourself going to great lengths to prove to yourself that your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating, ask yourself if you are being fair in your rush to judgment.  Are you snooping through email accounts, phone messages or other personal items? 

       By dwelling on these thoughts of mistrust and imagining the worse possible scenario, you are bringing this experience into your life.  It is very important to be careful of the thoughts you dwell on and the words you say.  They have powerful creative energy and you will eventually experience that which you see in your mind and say from your heart.  The first step in changing this relationship pattern begins with you.  Consciously be aware of what you are thinking and stop yourself when these thoughts enter your mind.  It is important not to allow them to spiral out of control, convincing yourself of events that probably are not true.

June 15, 2004

Taking Responsibility For Past Relationship Choices 

       Over the course of my career, I listened to numerous stories from divorced men and women who experienced a moment of clarity just before they married their former spouses. Their intuition told them not to marry these partners, but their conscious minds, their egos, overpowered them with feelings of guilt and social obligation. On their wedding days they knew they were marrying the wrong person.

       I have heard others say that they knew intuitively when entering into new relationships that they were repeating an unsuccessful cycle with the same type of partner as before. They allowed their conscious minds to reaffirm their emotional choices and ignored their inner knowledge of the predetermined outcome. Clarity emerged once they decided to take a closer look at the qualities that consistently attracted them and the unmet needs they repeatedly tried to fulfill through their intimate relationships.

       To break the pattern of previous failed relationships, you must relive the past to understand why cycles have formed. Suppressing such feelings consciously only allows your unconscious mind to recreate your fear over and over again. The pain and fear produced in past relationships holds the key to your most valuable traits. The grief and hurt you carry with you is evident to others, even though you believe it is concealed. Once you have decided to accept the challenge of self-discovery and heal your pain, the types of people drawn into your life will change in response to the new energy you send out into the world.

       Fear of the unknown creates a barrier to permitting change to occur, but change is a choice that you may elect to make any time. By taking control of your relationship path, you are taking responsibility and being accountable for your actions and experiences and not placing blame on others. Placing blame implies that you need the permission of others in order to have the right relationship. That belief shifts the power out of your hands and relinquishes your power over your future happiness. By taking full responsibility for the relationship choices you have made and not casting blame on other people for the absence of intimacy in your life, you are placing yourself in a position of attracting and receiving the right person.

June 14, 2004

Intuition Is Your Life Guide 

       The start of your journey to attract the right relationship begins with tapping into the wisdom of your soul’s truth.  It is necessary to understand that you possess the internal tools to create what you desire in a relationship partner.  In your search for happiness, making mistakes along the way is the part of the journey.  Each experience and every individual you have encountered so far has aided in your soul’s growth.   All reflected back to you lessons you needed to learn in order to evolve as a person.

       If experiences seem to repeat in your life, you have not completely understood the lesson yet. The path to discovering the right relationship is not a straight line, but one with twists and turns that we will learn to smooth out by examining the types of individuals you have attracted into your life.

       When thinking of a significant past relationship, can you see instances where you seemed to know what was about to occur but denied that inner feeling or intuition? In moments before critical events, do you seem to hear your inner voice telling you not to do something? Developing an understanding, acceptance, and appreciation for your intuition is of paramount importance in self-discovery.

       The best ways to describe intuitive feelings is in physical terms: you may feel that you have “butterflies in your stomach,” “a lump in your throat,” or “a gut feeling.” Your subconscious mind is alerting you to intuitive messages through your senses. In your inner thoughts, there are new ideas, sparks of creativity, and clues to your genuine self. From these inspirations of the mind come aspirations, such as the desire to live a genuine life and share it with the right partner.

       Your conscious thoughts can often try to undermine these pure ideas by flooding you with validity questions and playing on your doubts, fears, and anxieties. But remember, the only true teacher is the one who has always been with you, your inner voice.

       Your intuitive mind is the voice of your true self, but it is often ignored because of subconscious fears. The journey of self-awakening takes great courage. It is a path that requires reaffirmation of your intention to practice self-discovery every day.  I challenge you to start listening to your intuition and hear God's message for you.  He is your guide in life.
 

June 13, 2004

What Are You Grateful For Today? 

       I counsel many people who have been through painful times in their relationships.  When in the midst of suffering, it is difficult to see God's plan, certainly difficult to think to thank Him. Why should you be grateful to God for heartbreaking situations in life?  The answer is to be thankful to God in spite of hard times, and not demanding that He take away His valuable lessons in our lives.   

       We all need to make a habit of thanking God for the blessings He has already given us and stop giving Him a list of demands day in and day out.  It is easy to take our health for granted.  What if all of a sudden you didn't have your health and suffered from a serious illness?  You may not particularly enjoy the job you have right now, but what if you didn't have that job?  What if you couldn't find work for a very long period of time?  Your outlook on your job would change dramatically.  So you may not have the house, the car, the career of your dreams right now, but understand that there are many people in the world who would love to be in your shoes.  You are more blessed than you acknowledge. 

       When your children make a point of thanking you for what you have done for them, showing genuine appreciation, you are more inclined and thrilled to do more for them.  On the other hand, when your children demand more and more from you, never thanking you for the things you have done, you are less enthusiastic about doing more. 

       It is the same way with God.   He wants to bless each of our lives.  He already knows what you desire in life, what would make your life more enjoyable.  He loves to hear our thanks to Him for all He has blessed our lives with, not just our laundry list.  I challenge you to take the opportunity to find three things each day to thank God for and give Him a sincere thanks in prayer.  As you make this prayer a habit, you will begin to find more and more things to thank Him for each day. 

       God loves each one of us.  He has a special plan for each and every life.  It is up to you to live life in faith, knowing that God will bless your life, or live your life convinced that God has singled you out when difficult times emerge.  The choice is completely up to you.
 

June 12, 2004

Stepford Wives Mentality: Unrelenting Standards In Relationships

       The remake of the movie, "The Stepford Wives" is satirically funny and sometimes witty. It shows the "ideal" family life (from the perceptive of these men) - perfect women at home enjoying the bliss of cleaning, cooking, baking and waiting on their husbands hand and foot.  As men and women,  we are all susceptible of demanding perfection not only in ourselves, but in those we choose for relationship partners and marriage. 

       We like to believe we can excel at everything in our personal, professional and social lives - and function at this unrelenting pace in each area at the same time.  Because this notion of perfection is a core belief in our society, we wonder why we are so unhappy when we've achieved secular success.  We feel pressured and can't really relax and enjoy life.  We are always pushing and pushing to get ahead.  We must be the best at everything and demand the best. 

       When living this way, life is only doing.  It's having to work or achieve all the time.  Everything becomes an ordeal, even activities that should be enjoyable such as playing games.  Life is filled with anxiety and frustration because you can't achieve enough.  There's always another things you have to do right. 

       Life is a journey to be enjoyed.  We are  to be loving towards one another and to be a blessing to others.  A successful life is measured by character, morals and devotion to God and His plan for each of our lives.  Trusting God's will and releasing your personal agenda will lead you down the path of glory - a joyful and peaceful and fulfilling life.
 

June 11, 2004

The Reagans:
A Lesson in Spirituality in Marriage

       As we pay our last respects to former President Reagan, we discover how much a role spirituality played in his marriage to Nancy.   He understood the importance of tending to his marriage and keeping their love alive.  We all can experience the glory of a soul-centered marriage, like the Reagans.  Theirs is a lesson in blessing God for favoring their lives with one another.  It is a lesson in not taking each other for granted.

       Marriage is a sacred experience, our personal core of divinity.  A vibrant marriage is a powerful force for personal growth.  Unselfish love is enjoyed in a spiritually compatible union.  Mastering the lessons of valuing each other, kindness, and treasuring the bond to lead the relationship instead of the demands of individual egos, couples can engage in relationships that foster reverence and respect. 

       Love based on soul and spirit has an intelligence of its own.  Soul-centered love is passionate love.  Passion is ultimately a spiritual connection, which keeps the physical passion ignited.  Mutual core beliefs are vital to the long term survival of your relationship.  The ability to share spiritual thoughts, beliefs, and concerns is vital to spiritual connection.  Spiritual growth is a unique experience for each individual.  It is necessary that you support and help each other along the path of divine development.  You are in each other's life for healing and expanded spiritual awareness.

June 10, 2004

You’re Fired!
What Girlfriends Need to Tell Boyfriends with Ex-Gal Pals

       One frequent topic I receive from women in relationships concerns boyfriends who maintain close relationships with their ex-girlfriends. They are manipulated by their boyfriends to believe they are the ones with a jealousy problem and should “grow up.” My answer is two-fold. In a relationship, the only person we should be emotionally vulnerable to is our partner, and vise versa. Trust in your relationship cannot be established if your boyfriend has another confidant with whom he had an intimate history. At the core, these men have a fear of vulnerability and by keeping an ex-girlfriend as an active participant in their lives they avoid real vulnerability in their current relationship. The ex-girlfriend serves as the barrier to knowing real love. Unless he completely breaks the ties he has with his ex-girlfriend, the current girlfriend will never have the type of relationship she wants to experience.

       The second half of my answer is directed to the current girlfriend. We attract every person and situation in our lives to support our core beliefs. At some point early in life, she formed a core belief that men are not trustworthy and reliable. As a result, her boyfriend is acting accordingly to reinforce that belief. The people and experiences in our lives are there to help us heal and grow. It is each person’s job to figure out what aspect of ourselves that we are not truly embracing and see what is being mirrored back to us in the people we attract into our lives.

       The only person we can change is ourselves and once we change, the circumstances will change too.

       Love is so wonderful and life is too short to not fully experience the blessing the right relationship will be in your life.
 

June 9, 2004

Believing In Yourself: Positive Self-Image Attracts Love

       In order to attract the right person, it is critical to acknowledge and accept your positive and negative qualities. A positive self-image is critical in creating a healthy and loving relationship. The most important part of your life is the essence of your being and how you care, respect, and are responsible for yourself. If you do not love and value yourself, no one in your life will ever provide the love you are seeking. Regarding your life as valuable and important is the definition of a personal belief in self-love.

       Every individual has a message to deliver to the universe, whether the call is answered in this lifetime or many lifetimes later. Depending on how willing you are to develop and strengthen your spiritual muscles, you may choose to consider yourself unimportant as a way to avoid living up to this responsibility.

       When you feel worthwhile in your personal, social, and work life, you have a healthy self-love. If your parents made you feel loved and respected, you were comfortable in your environment. If you were not raised in such a loving household and were criticized excessively, you probably feel unlovable. This feeling may have extended to school, where you felt rejected by peers or felt you were not able to compete in sports or in the classroom.

       When we are growing up, our minds create tapes of the impressions others have of us. For example, I am the oldest of three children. As with many firstborn children, my parents expected a lot from me, not only intellectually but also in my behavior toward others. So, I created a tape of being a responsible person. Because my parents encouraged my intellectual growth through praise, my self-image was positive and my excellent academic grades were a reflection of that belief.

       Each time an incident reminds us of one of these positive or negative tapes, we react to the present event from our memories of the first time we experienced that feeling. Sometimes, these disparagements evolve into self-criticism and drag us down until we lose our self-love.

       In order to achieve personal transformation it is necessary to examine the reasons you are here and understand the lessons placed in your path for your emotional and spiritual evolvement. It is also essential to become aware of the ways that you sabotage yourself and refuse to understand these lessons.

       The sooner you achieve higher awareness to issues that you resist, the sooner you can live in fulfillment of your true purpose. The discovery of who you really are is the most exciting aspect of being alive!
 

June 8, 2004

Relationship Conflict Challenges: Learning How To Lovingly Disagree

       What prevents you from resolving conflicts? For some people disagreements send a panic signal, like a sign that the relationship is flawed. Every relationship will have its share of conflicts, disagreements and arguments – and that’s normal! The key is to identify some of the impediments to effective conflict resolution. Overall, the biggest roadblock is attitude. Your attitude is a reflection of the worth you place on yourself and your partner. Attitudes can be severely impacted if unresolved anger and resentment are held onto. If you do not forgive yourself or your future partner, you will never be able to maintain the open, caring attitude needed for genuine resolution.

       Another block to resolving conflict is a lack of skill in communication. Learning to express your feelings and thoughts in a clear and respectful manner is vital to prevent anger and hurt feelings. When a caring attitude is combined with effective communication skills, the road to healthy conflict resolution is free of these obstacles. Conflict can be defined in terms of the issues that caused it, the strategies used to address it, and the outcomes that follow from it. Strategies for resolving or preventing the development of conflict can be classified as avoidance, diffusion, or confrontation.

       Timing is everything in conflict resolution. Do not give in to the impulse to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when you are angry. Wait until you have calmed down and then address the problem. Trust will profoundly affect your ability to resolve conflict in marriage. Real communication can only take place when genuine feelings and honest thoughts are expressed. Hiding behind a façade will not bring resolution to the conflict at hand.

       The goal in understanding communication styles is to reach a comfort level when expressing positive and negative emotions and effectively resolving conflicts. Each person is receptive to information, ideas, criticism, and praise in a certain form. The idea is to find the mode best suited for you. Conflict resolution will be an ongoing process throughout your relationship. The challenge in communicating within an intimate relationship is learning to hear what your partner is saying, regardless of the filters built up from past relationships and life experiences. By recognizing these barriers in communication, you can stop the past from recreating itself in the present.
 

June 7, 2004

Relationship Grievances: Steps To Resolving Conflicts

       As difficult as it can be, finding a constructive manner in which to air grievances provides an open and honest relationship. Burying issues, and avoiding conflict and disagreements, do not have a place in a healthy relationship. Accept the fact that you will get on each other’s nerves. You will disagree from time to time. Learn how to argue in a constructive manner to resolve the issue at hand and not tear each other apart personally. Each has the responsibility to resolve issues around emotional buttons. It is important to express how and why you feel a certain way and freely discuss your reactions. Recommended steps for resolving conflict are as follows:

• Agree to reach a resolution. Many of us take a fight-or-flight approach to conflict, sometimes only to make our point stick. You and your future partner are on the same side of the same team, which is difficult to remember when you are in a heated argument. Resolution is defined as both parties compromising to reach a solution. It is not about one person getting his way and the other person caving in to manipulation or feeling defeated.

• Explore your feelings. Why are you so upset? Explore your reaction to the event and see if you are responding to the present situation or reliving a past hurtful event. See if this issue is really about you and your significant other or you and someone from your past.

• Identify what you want. Speak up. See what you and your partner can work out for a mutually satisfying resolution. Your partner cannot give you want you want if you don’t have the courage to ask for it. Remember, you are in love with each other and all relationships are driven by feelings. You want to feel good, your partner wants to feel good, and you both have the same wish for each other. Keep that in mind as you express your desires.

• Generate options and possible solutions. Be willing to back up your requests and desires with a solution that is mutually satisfactory. Sometimes we say no to a new way of doing things simply because we have not thought of an alternative. Back up your statement with a good argument that is reasonable.

• Choose mutual action. Resolving conflict does not mean to take on more responsibility simply because it is easier than arguing. A relationship is a partnership, a joint effort. If one person ends up being responsible for making the union work on every level, resentment will build up. Avoid the trap of laziness and work out fair resolutions to issues that arise. One person is not assigned to do all the work while the relationship revolves around the other person’s whims and desires.

• Evaluate the outcome. If the first solution doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to revisit the issue and make changes. Many times what seems doable in theory is flawed in reality. Do not chastise your partner, for that only will encourage avoidance in the future with other issues.

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