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Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: The Poison of Resentment
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"When we bend and stretch, reach for the
stars,
we may find that the stars we are reaching for exist within us,
waiting to illumine a deeper insight and greater awareness,
to shine into our lives, our environment, and into the lives of
others.
Each of us has purpose and a mission that only we can
fulfill right where we are."
*Gail Pursell Elliott, "The Dignity and Respect Lady"
The Poison of Resentment
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Actress Susan Saint James, in a TV interview after the
terrible plane crash that claimed the life of her 14 year
old son Teddy, and injured her husband, NBC Sports Chairman
Dick Ebersol, and her son Charles, made the following
brilliant statement: "Resentment is like taking poison and
then expecting the other person to die." Even in the face of
her great loss, she is not angry, blaming, or resentful.
Resentment and blame are poisons to the soul. They are far
more harmful to you than to anyone else. Our ego/wounded
self believes that if we blame and resent someone, we can
somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of
things. But what the resentment really does is pull us into
the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim.
It's very helpful to think of resentment as poisoning
yourself while expecting the other to somehow be hurt by it.
If you can think of anger, blame and resentment as poisons
to the soul, perhaps this will make it easier to release
these dark feelings.
These feeling do not come out of nowhere. They are the
result of your thoughts and beliefs. For example, if you
have the thought, as Susan could have had, "God is punishing
me," you will likely see yourself as a victim and feel angry
and resentful. But having this thought or belief does not
make it a reality. The resulting resentment is actually
Spirit's way of letting you know that you are off track in
your thinking. Thoughts that cause anger, fear, and
resentment are thoughts that are being made up by the
wounded self. They are not based on truth. The truth never
causes anger and fear. The truth can certainly cause sadness
and grief, such as the reality that Susan's son is gone. But
anger and resentment are not the same as sadness and grief.
Anger and resentment are the result of blaming someone or
something.
Susan's truth, which she stated in the interview, is that
her son Teddy has ended one phase of his life and started
another. Her faith in God as a loving source is sustaining
her. Her belief that the soul does not die, but leaves when
it is finished with what it needed to learn here, is making
it possible for her to grieve without resentment. She is not
allowing this great loss to poison her soul.
The literal biblical translation of the word "sin" is "off
the mark." When our thinking and behavior are off the mark,
we are "sinning" because we are not in truth. God is truth,
love, peace, and joy. When we are not in love and truth, we
are off the mark. Being off the mark in our thinking results
in negativity – in anger, fear, anxiety, depression,
resentment, blame. Negativity is harmful to the soul. This
is a "sin" against ourselves.
Our ego wounded self - which originates in the mind and is
the part of us that wants control over getting love,
avoiding pain, and feeling safe - constantly makes up
thoughts that are off the mark. The ego is incapable of
knowing what is true and what is not. It thinks it is wise
and knowing, but in reality it is always "off the mark." All
the thoughts that come from the ego are based on the desire
for control over others and outcomes. The desire to control
is the opposite of the desire to love and be in truth, and
is therefore off the mark.
Truth does not originate in the mind. Truth comes into the
mind from Spirit when we are open to learning about love and
truth. Truth never creates resentment.
Anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, depression – these
feelings are signals that you are not in truth, that you are
allowing your ego to have dominion over your soul. When you
open your heart to learning the truth and learning what is
loving to yourself and others, you will move out of the
negative feelings and into the peace and joy that come from
being in truth, even in the face of sadness and grief. Even
in her grief, Susan Saint James's face was filled with the
light of truth. There was no darkness in her being as she
shared her experience with us. Thank you, Susan, for your
courage, love and faith. You have given us a great gift.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com
Relationship Advice by Nancy
Pina
Dear Nancy,
I've been in a relationship for 18 months now. I am 28 and have
a 10 year old son. He is 26 and has never had children.
He is someone who seems to be perfect because of the same
dreams and goals we have. It seems he was cut out for me.
The problem begins with his maturity level, or I think. He
is still living with his mom and lives check to check. If he goes
out
drinking with his buddies, the next day he wont go to work because
he is too hung over. I lecture him and we end up in ugly fights.
At times he argues by replying something very immature only
making things worse. When the coin is flipped, he is very
responsible
with bills and he has perfect credit and is great in keeping up his car
and belongings.
Am I not letting him be himself at his age, am I just much more
mature than he is ( I have been a mother since I was 18),
or is he stuck in his early college years because he
still lives with mommy and doesn't want to grow up.
I wish I could believe that people change and grow up,
but what if the missing work because "he just feels like it"
is a sign of his character. Help!
Dear Jessabel,
You are correct - you are in a much different place in your
emotional maturity than your boyfriend.
Becoming a mother at a very young age made
you more mature than your peers. In many ways, you can't
relate to one another because of your different experiences.
It may seem that you two are perfect for each other on some levels,
but his immaturity and lack of responsibility is something to consider
for a long term relationship.
He seems to be a very young 26 year old. He also seems to be
postponing his adulthood by living at home with his mom.
His behavior may be a sign of his age, but remember that not
every man in his 20's acts in this manner.
There are many responsible, ambitious and considerate men
in the world.
In the long term, this relationship could very well turn out to be more
of a burden for you than a partnership.
Something may happen to encourage his emotional growth soon
or he may end up becoming someone you would need to baby-sit.
You deserve to have a relationship with a man
who is your partner and willing to share the load with you,
not adding to your already full plate.
I will keep you in my prayers as you journey down this path.
Remember that God has the perfect person for you Jessabel.
There is no need to settle for a relationship that does not serve
you well emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
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Remember that with God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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