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Welcome to
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Love is Not Supposed to Hurt
by: Barbara Rose
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed.
For no one can lay a hand on our dreams."
*E.V. Lucas, 1868-1938, English Writer
"Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in
yourself.
That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner
drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent."
*Sophia Loren, Italian-born Film Actress
Love is Not Supposed to Hurt
By Barbara Rose
Questions and Answers:
I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it?
I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, is that normal?
I feel different from how I used to feel, like I’ve lost my sense
of self. Why?
What can I do if my partner switches demeanors like Jekyll and
Hyde?
How can I stop my boyfriend from humiliating me, degrading me, and
putting me down?
Here are your answers:
I often feel sad in my relationship, what can I do about it?
If you feel sad in your relationship most, if not all of the time,
then it is time that you really asked yourself if this
relationship is bringing you joy MOST of the time. Get really
honest with yourself, and tell yourself the truth. That’s the
first place to start. Can you communicate with your partner? Is he
responsive? Does he make an effort to really listen to you and
honor your feelings or not?
If he’s not, then that would explain why you feel sad most of the
time, because you have valid feelings, and they are not being
honored. So first YOU have to honor your feelings, and then take a
good, clear look at the way the relationship is RIGHT NOW, the way
it is MOST of the time, not the few times you experience joy, but
the majority of the time. If you are in pain “often” and most of
the time, then you have to find the courage to either really work
it out with your partner, and if you cannot, because your needs
and feelings are not really honored, then it is time that YOU
honored your feelings, and know one thing: that you do not have to
remain miserable. You can get professional counseling together,
and really open up. If he is not willing to do that with you, then
he is not willing to make it work with you. So what are your two
options?
Stay miserable, or make a complete break so that you can heal, and
then attract a new partner that will be extremely good to you.
This is your choice, so please do what you know in your heart is
true for you.
I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, is that normal?
No, it is not normal, it is painful, and love is NOT supposed to
hurt! Who told you that you have to put up with uncertainty, and
living with a person that causes you to feel like a nervous wreck,
always wondering if you are going to set him off? This is living
with sickness. “Normal” people openly discuss whatever is
bothering them, and come to mutually agreeable solutions.
In a normal relationship, one that is sane, you feel free to be
yourself completely. You are never worried about “getting it
wrong” or “messing up” because you know that you are loved and
respected, cared about, adored, and that your feelings matter as
much as his. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, then I
wholeheartedly advise you to walk out of the relationship, and
leave the broken shells of bad memories behind you, where they
belong. No one can do this “for” you. This is your life, and only
you can decide if this is the life you really want to live, and
what you really prefer in a relationship, or if you would prefer
something a lot more loving, where you feel safe, rather than
constantly worried.
I do promise you that once you get really honest with yourself,
and honor your real feelings, you are on the road to a much
happier life, and you can do a lot of reading, inner healing,
restoring, and coming into a place within where you become your
own best friend. It is then that you will be ready to attract
someone into your life who has the capacity to treat you the way
any human being deserves to be treated. Where the only eggshells
you see are when he brings you breakfast, because he loves you.
I feel different from how I used to feel, like I’ve lost my sense
of self. Why?
Why? The answer is because you are being treated more like an
object where if something goes wrong it is blamed on you, rather
than being respected completely without blame and criticism.
If you feel like you have lost your sense of self, then you have
probably been twisting yourself in every conceivable direction to
be or feel good enough for the person that you are with. Are you
told what to do? Are you watched? Yelled at? Insulted? Put down?
Criticized?
When we have been put down, we do feel our real self somehow
sliding away, especially in an emotionally and verbally abusive
relationship. Sometimes we don’t even notice it happening. We just
begin to feel less confident, less desirable, less than we used to
feel. This is what abuse does, it chips away at our sense of self,
and before long, we’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel whole
and complete and good enough again.
So if you’re with someone that treats you in a degrading manner,
someone that puts you down, someone that is kind and then mean,
back and forth, then it’s time to get off the see saw and plant
yourself on solid ground with a firm decision as to what you are
going to allow in your life, and how you are going to allow
yourself to be treated.
You must decide how you really want to be treated, and only settle
for that. You are NOT here to be degraded. No human being deserves
to be degraded. So in order to gain your sense of self back, you
have to know what you want, what you prefer, how you would rather
feel, and put yourself in the position to walk away completely
from anyone that treats you less than how you know you want to be
treated.
When a person has clear boundaries, they do not allow them to be
crossed. Your boundaries are your preferences. Create your
boundaries, and you will be able to begin to feel a sense of what
you really deserve. Then, only settle for that and nothing less,
ever.
What can I do if my partner switches demeanors like Jekyll and
Hyde?
Sister, (or Brother) run for your life, and never look back! Just
keep going forward in one clear direction, far, far away from this
person, because if you don’t then YOU will feel like you are going
insane.
You cannot fix or heal another person’s psychological issues to
your own detriment. Jekyll and Hyde is living with insanity, which
will only make YOU feel insane. And I really mean what I say here.
How can I stop my boyfriend from humiliating me, degrading me, and
putting me down?
You can’t, dear one. He is the way he is. The question is when are
you going to walk? How much more do you have to be humiliated,
degraded and put down? Do you want to take it for a few more
minutes, weeks, what about another ten years? Some people take it
for the rest of their lives. Others leave at the first sign of
abuse. Right after the first humiliating, degrading put down. They
leave because they know this is the person’s nature, and we cannot
change another person. If someone is an abuser, they give abuse.
Do you give abuse? No, you do not. Do you give it in self defense?
If you are continuing to allow abuse in your life, this is a very
sad life to live.
To better answer your question, the only way you can stop your
boyfriend from humiliating you, degrading you, and putting you
down is when you end your relationship with this person. Until
that time, expect more of the same. Has it permanently changed?
Does he change for a few days, maybe a week or so, only to go back
to the same old pattern? If your answer is yes, then you can
expect the same pattern to continue, as surely as you can expect
that an apple tree will continue to give you apples. It will not
give you bananas, or peaches. Its nature will not change.
For all of the above questions and answers, I ask you to consider
emotional and verbal abuse as if you had your hand in a pot of
boiling water. Some people have asked me:
"But isn't it okay to just take a little? No one is perfect." So
my reply is in asking you a question. If you took your hand out of
boiling water, isn't it okay to just put back one finger? It's
just one finger, not the whole hand. Abuse hurts, just like one
finger kept in boiling water.
I must assure you that love is not supposed to hurt. Love feels
wonderful. It feels safe, steady, certain, and predictable.
“Excitement” comes from going away together, not from break-up,
make-up sex. Love is the most beautiful and wonderful experiences
on earth. Everybody deserves to experience real love. I hope that
you will allow yourself to
experience what it feels like to begin to love yourself. Then, and
only then, will you be able to attract someone into your life who
will love you the way you want to be loved. It is first an inside
job, between you and yourself. Then you can experience this with
another person, as this is the essence of what every human being
on earth wants to feel, and with enough self love, every person
one day will.
.
Barbara Rose is an internationally recognized expert in the field
of personal transformation and spiritual/human potential. A
pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication the
study and integration of humanity’s God-Nature into modern
personal growth and spiritual evolution. Best-selling author of
Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE
ONE, If God Was Like Man, and Individual Power: Reclaiming Your
Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Her public speaking events, tele-seminars,
webcasts, articles and private intensives have transformed the
lives of thousands across the globe.
Barbara is known for providing life-changing answers, quick
practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide.
She is the founder of IHSC – Institute of Higher Self
Communication, inspire! Magazine, Rose Humanitarian Alliance, and
The Rose Group publishing company. Barbara works in cooperation
with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift
the spiritual consciousness of humanity.
http://www.borntoinspire.com
Dear Nancy,
My girlfriend is a freshmen and I am a sophomore (we're 320 miles
apart). We've been together for 18 months and I feel so confused
on many issues. We have already gone through one year together
while I was a freshmen, but this year is harder. My worrying and
paranoid thoughts seem to plague me. I know that I am over
sensitive at times and very analytical, so its hard to trust
myself sometimes. I don't know if I have the right to worry, or
everything that going on is normal.
All of her friends are single and seem to be a party bunch. She
has already gone to a few frat parties and I am sure is going to
go to quite a few more. I wonder how normal this is. I really
don't think she would cheat on me, but that whole situation makes
me uneasy. Alcohol, guys, and my girlfriend. I have told her that
I worry about it sometimes, but I just feel guilty because she
says I should trust her. I trust her, but when you throw alcohol
into the mix, some peoples views of the world change.
I am at a loss for what I should do here. I have talked to her
about everything that bugs me (not just issues of this nature),
but it seems to get me no where. It makes her feel bad and nothing
is even done to fix it. I just know that I can't go on feeling
like this everyday. How do I deal with these emotions? Do I have a
right to feel like this? Or is it another case of me worrying too
much? I do love her a great deal and I am a very giving person.
So, I feel I can make it through this, I just need to know how to
do it.
Thanks,
CJ
Dear CJ,
Yes, I agree that her actions will eventually have consequences
that will harm your relationship if she continues to place herself
in the face of temptation.
I understand her point of view as well as your perspective. I
imagine she loves you very much and the last thing in the world
she wants to do is hurt you and your relationship. However, we all
become like the people we surround ourselves with. Running around
with a crowd who parties will rub off on your girlfriend sooner
rather than later. Good people will develop the bad habits of
their friends - generally in most cases their good habits will not
rub off on them.
I understand how difficult this must be for you to watch from a
distance and I agree that you cannot live in fear of when she will
betray your trust. I do know that the thoughts you focus on will
become reality. So if you continue to worry about and think
negative thoughts about your relationship, eventually your fearful
thoughts will manifest.
I encourage you to make a conscious effort to free your mind from
focusing of these negative thoughts. Take action and set firmer
boundaries in your relationship. You need to clearly and
specfically communicate your feelings of unease with your
girlfriend and mutually decide what kind of long-distant
relationship you can maintain with each
other. Distance does not have to be a hindrance in your
relationship, but it takes the effort of both to make a committed
relationship work. Lastly, I suggest that you get involved in a
church or other campus group to make more friends and have a
support system near you. College can be a lonely place at times
and the more support you have nearby and people you can turn to in
times of need, the better.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
Confidential replies can be obtained through
your purchase of ‘The Right Relationship Can Happen’
Visit Amazon.com:
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Simply forward your receipt to
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along with your relationship question.
I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
With God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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