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Welcome to
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Self Truth and Your Relationships
by: Barbara Rose
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about
life:
it goes on."
*Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American Poet
"A successful individual typically sets his next goal somewhat
but not too much above his last achievement. In this way he
steadily raises his level of aspiration."
*Kurt Lewin, 1890-1947, German-born Psychologist
Self Truth and Your
Relationships
By: Barbara Rose
How can I learn how to be true to myself?
If I can’t control other people, how can I change the dynamics of
our relationship?
How can I recognize when to speak up and when to let it go?
How can I know when I’m being true to myself or fooling myself?
If I’m asking for something from my partner to improve our
relationship and he or she doesn’t change anything, what should I
do?
The Answers
How can I learn how to be true to myself?
There is only one way to know how to be true to yourself and that
is getting consciously aware of your real feelings. Ask yourself
how you really feel about the situation, the comment, the
non-verbal communication, the action – no matter what it is, ask
yourself how you feel about it. Then, admit your feelings to
yourself. This is getting real and honest with your self. This is
the foundation of self truth. If you’re not fully honest with
yourself, how can you ever be fully honest with anyone else?
Please realize that all feelings are valid. There is not a “good”
or a “bad” feeling. All feelings are valid. So if you feel afraid,
nervous, worried, desperate, loving, warm, hot, cold, inspired,
excited, longing – no matter what feeling you have, it is valid
and deserves to be honored by you. Once you admit your feelings to
yourself, and honor them, rather than judge them, you will set the
dynamic of self truth into motion. Once you are always true to
yourself, you become your own best friend, and you will then
always have “back up” by you.
If I can’t control other people, how can I change the dynamics of
our relationship?
As soon as you are true to yourself and honor your feelings, how
you choose to behave then becomes a conscious choice, rather than
just having ego level reactions. Once you choose to either go with
what you like or refuse to tolerate what you do not like, you are
changing the dynamic of the relationship. If you choose to not
engage in anything that is self depreciating, if you choose to
only allow people in your deeply personal life who are supportive,
rather than abusive, this choice that you make changes the
dynamics of your relationship.
For example, if someone is trying to control you, and tell you
what you can or cannot do, as if you were a five year old, then it
is your choice to obey, or do as you prefer under the dictates of
no one.
If you are being verbally abused, it is your choice to continue
the relationship and allow yourself to be abused, or to never
tolerate such treatment. If you are lashing out in your
relationship, it is also within your conscious choice to learn
more healthy methods of sharing your feelings, rather than lash
out and engage in a negative word or power play. All of this is
within your control. If you like what you are getting, stay. If
you do not like what you are getting, and it is causing your self
esteem to diminish, such as with snide and surreptitious negative
non-verbal communication, then it is completely within your choice
what you will allow in your life. I vehemently urge you to only
allow positive and life enhancing people and behaviors in your
life. Remember it is always your choice.
How can I recognize when to speak up and when to let it go?
A great rule of thumb is when it actually has something to do
directly with you, personally. If the action or communication is
directed towards you, then speak up and share your truth honestly.
If it has nothing to do with you and has zero negative effect on
your life, such as your not liking if your partner throws their
laundry on the floor, or is absorbed in their work, then let it go
and be selective in how you “pick your battles”. Ultimately, there
need not be a battle at all. I have received letters from people
who grew up in a rigid and fear based religious environment, were
married to people who were also stuck on religious dogma, and when
the person wanted to explore their own spiritual connection to
God, their partner got angry and tried to control them. As long as
a person’s actions are not bringing you any harm, such as getting
into a dangerous cult, they are free to believe, read, worship,
and do as they choose, which is why every person is endowed with
free will and choice. People cannot “own” another person. So if
the behaviors are not hurting you at all, are not dangerous, are
not directed at you, and have no impact on you or your life, then
let it go. If their words or actions are having a direct impact on
your life, then by all means graciously and honestly speak your
truth.
How can I know when I’m being true to myself or fooling myself?
The answer is always based on how you really and genuinely feel.
If your feelings flip back and forth, then you are most likely
fooling yourself, or trying to keep the status quo out of fear. It
could be fear of loss of the relationship, survival fear, fear of
being hurt – these are the most common areas where people fool
themselves with justifications and excuses to stay in a
relationship. You know how you really feel. When your words,
speech and actions are in opposition to your true feelings, you
are fooling yourself.
When your thoughts, feelings, words and actions all match – then
you are being true to yourself, and this is the ONLY way to live a
life of self truth and inner/outer peace.
If I’m asking for something from my partner to improve our
relationship and he or she doesn’t change anything, what should I
do?
If it’s abuse in any form, you must walk or you will lose your
self and your sense of self. If you are with someone who is as
committed to creating the best relationship possible with you,
because he or she cares about the relationship as equally as he or
she care for him or herself, then you can ask your partner to go
for couples counseling with you to work it out. You can go to a
Marriage Encounter weekend or any couples communication intensive
given by someone who has helped a lot of couples – that
specializes in couples counseling, you can get positive
relationship communication books and share them with your partner,
so that you are working together to create the best relationship
possible. If you are with someone that does not care about your
relationship and how you feel in the relationship, then what are
you doing with this person?
I am speaking here of anything that causes you harm on any level,
not about domestic chores and throwing socks on the floor rather
than in the laundry hamper.
Always remember, that there are three entities: you, the other
person, and your relationship. Think of it as the trunk of a tree,
the branches and the fruit. You are the trunk, where self truth,
honesty and purity dwells. The person you are having a
relationship with is a branch of your life. The fruit the tree
bears stems from the emotional, mental and psychological heath of
the trunk and the branch. So when all is working in harmony
together, in a healthy relationship, together as the trunk and the
branch, you will bear sweet and delicious apples. If there is
abuse, control and manipulation, there will be bruised and rotten
apples. How strong is your trunk or backbone? How solid are you in
your truth? Life itself brings its own challenges, such as health
challenges, or an accident, or hurricane, etc. it is in your
truth, and having a solid backbone based on self truth that will
enable you to weather the storms life may bring, where you can
still bear great, delicious fruit, despite a storm. If there is
disease within the trunk or the branches, then the fruit of the
tree will also be diseased. (I am NOT speaking of physical
disease, but mental, psychological and emotional.) So as you look
at your relationship or the fruit a tree bears, you can see where
there might need to be some re-evaluation, and honest work on self
to bear better fruit. If you are completely honest with yourself,
and are not lying to yourself at all, you will be able to either
stay in or leave the relationship based on how you really feel and
what you really prefer in your life.
Remember that trees can be uprooted and planted elsewhere.
Anything that is not life enhancing has to be uprooted, and
cleared. If you are not getting genuine cooperation in this
relationship, then ask yourself if your relationship with yourself
matters more than your fears on any level. No one can determine
your truth but you. No one can act on your truth but you.
Ultimately, it is self truth and finding the courage within
yourself to act on your truth that will determine how you choose
to spend your life. I only ask you to be true to yourself. Nothing
matters more, because your entire life and happiness hinges on
this.
Barbara Rose is an internationally recognized expert in the field
of personal transformation and spiritual/human potential. A
pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication the
study and integration of humanity’s God-Nature into modern
personal growth and spiritual evolution. Best-selling author of
Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE
ONE, If God Was Like Man, and Individual Power: Reclaiming Your
Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Her public speaking events, tele-seminars,
webcasts, articles and private intensives have transformed the
lives of thousands across the globe.
Barbara is known for providing life-changing answers, quick
practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide.
She is the founder of IHSC – Institute of Higher Self
Communication, inspire! Magazine, Rose Humanitarian Alliance, and
The Rose Group publishing company. Barbara works in cooperation
with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift
the spiritual consciousness of humanity.
http://www.borntoinspire.com
Dear Nancy,
OK this guy that I like has a girlfriend. We spent our whole
summer together and we looked like a couple.
Why did he cheat on her with me if he likes her?
Who does he like - me or her ?????
He tells me how we are meant to be ...
Thanks,
El
Dear El,
This guy has vulnerability issues, meaning that he is fearful
of allowing people to get close to him and truly knowing
him intimately. He fears he will not be loved if he reveals
his true self.
There are many reasons why this type of behavior starts,
depending on his relationship with his parents and the
issues he faced as a child.
Keep in mind that a guy who cheats on one woman will
cheat on the next woman (you). He will tell you the things
you want to hear (how you are meant to be, etc.) in order
to keep you around.
I encourage you to end this relationship and ask God to
bring a person into your life who is completely available to you.
In the meantime, I also encourage you to explore why
you are willing to start a relationship with someone who
is not available and why that unavailability is attractive
to you.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
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I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
With God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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