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Welcome to
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Clothing Yourselves in Compassion
and Forgiveness: How tenderheartedness can make a relationship
by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar."
*Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882, American Poet and Essayist
"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which,
more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome."
*William James {1842-1910 American Psychologist & Author}
Clothing Yourselves in Compassion
and Forgiveness:
How tenderheartedness can make a relationship
by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Here is a harsh reality. The person you love the most is an
imperfect being. This person is guaranteed to hurt you and fail
you in many ways, some serious and some not. You can expect the
failures to come. As the Bible says, "There is not a righteous man
on earth who does what is right and never sins: (Ecclesiastes
7:20). And "everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is
lawlessness" (1 John 3:4). We can expect failure from even the
best people in our lives.
So the question becomes, "What then?" What do you do when your
relationship partner fails you in some way or is less then you
wish for him/her to be? What happens when he or she has a weakness
or failure? How about an inability to do something? What about an
unresolved childhood hurt that he brings to the relationship?
What does that mean? I like how the Bible describes God's
compassion: "to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior"
(Strong's Hebrew and Greek Dictionary). For God to have compassion
on our brokenness or sin is certainly to stoop to an inferior. But
we need the same attitude toward an relationship partner for two
reasons:
First, you forgive what is inferior to the ideal standard. You
humble yourself to identify with your loved one, who is
experiencing life in a way that is less then you or even he would
want. You give up all demands for your relationship partner to be
something he or she isn't at that moment.
Second, if your loved one is hurting or failing, you are not
morally superior, but you are in the stronger position at the
moment to be able to help. God never uses the stronger position to
hurt, but always to help. As Paul puts it, "Therefore, as God's
chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with
compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience. Bear with each
other and forgive whether grievances you may have against one
another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these
virtues put on love, which binds them all together in one perfect
unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)
What a picture that is! "Clothe yourself with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." What if you "wore"
these qualities every time your partner failed or was hurting? We
would see a lot of healed relationships.
Hardness of heart, much more then failure, is the true
relationship killer. As Jesus, said failure is not the cause of
divorce but hardness of hearts is (see Matthew 19:8). This is why
the Bible places such a high value on tenderheartedness.
Tenderheartness consists of at least four things.
1. An Identification with Sin and Failure.
Make sure that you have an attitude of humility towards your loved
one's failures. If you think you are above sin, you are in big
trouble. If you are very familiar with your own sins, you will
have a lot more grace for your partner.
2. An Identification with Weakness
Invulnerability is one of chief causes of hard hearts. If you are
staying away from the hurts and vulnerabilities, you will not be
able to identify with the hurts of your relationship partner
either. The Bible tells us that we comfort others out of empathy
we have received for our own struggles (2 Corinthians 1:4). Deal
with your own pains and hurts, and you will have more empathy.
Don't get angry with your partner for his or her weakness! This is
the worst thing you can ever do. It is using your strength in that
area to destroy. Become a partner in the healing process, not a
judge or an impediment. Join together to heal and strengthen him
or her in whatever area is injured.
3. A Willingness to Become Vulnerable Again
Sometimes people build up protectiveness from childhood that says,
in effect "I will never let anyone hurt me again." Then they take
that strategy into their adult relationships. Whereas it might
have been useful earlier in life, this strategy keeps them from
having closeness now. When you get hurt, if your partner is truly
repentant and can be trusted, open up again. Be vulnerable again.
This is what God does with us.
4. A Willingness To Repent
Forgiveness and tenderheartedness can come from the injured party.
But for it to be useful to the future of the relationship, the
person who failed must own their failure and show a true change of
heart. Without that, opening up oneself to that person makes no
sense. We open ourselves up to people when they show that they are
trustworthy. This does not mean that they will be perfect; it
means they are truly going to try.
Compassion, tenderness, and forgiveness ensure something very
important. These qualities ensure that imperfect people can
experience love and relationship for a long time. Clothe yourself!
Dear Readers,
No matter what life events come your way, God is there for you and
loves you so much.
Here are some practical suggestions for helping you to develop a
conscious awareness of God's unconditional love for you from Joyce
Meyer:
How Can I Really Know God Loves Me?
*Tell yourself in your mind and out loud, "God loves me."
Say it over and over a few times, and let it sink in-especially
when you don't feel like He loves you. Say it in the morning,
during the day, and before you go to bed. Look at yourself in the
mirror, point to yourself, and say, "(Your name), God loves you."
*Keep a diary, a book of remembrance, of the special things God
does for you.
Include little things as well as major things. Read over your list
at least once a week, and you will be encouraged.
*Read some good books about God's love.
Consider starting with two books Joyce has written: Tell Them I
Love Them, and Reduce Me to Love.
*Pray for the Holy Spirit, Who is our Teacher, to give you a
revelation of God's love.
See John 14:26; 16:13.
*Learn, and commit to memory, several Bible verses about God's
love for you.
Here are some to help you get started:
* Psalm 139:17,18
* Isaiah 49:16
* Jeremiah 1:5
* Romans 5:5,8; 8:33-35,38
* Ephesians 2:4-6; 3:17-19
* 1 John 4:16-18
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
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I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
With God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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