Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: The Need To Feel Special - by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"All people want and have the right to be
treated
with Dignity and Respect, No Exceptions.
The only way we can do this is by separating
people from their behavior. Behavior is not
always worthy of respect, but the person always is."
*Gail Pursell Elliott - "The Dignity and Respect Lady"
The Need to Feel Special
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention,
especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a
"special" place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure
to
establish a "special" relationship with her mother, who relished the
connection since she didn't have much of a relationship with her
emotionally
distant husband.
It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother's attention. Because her
mother
was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all
Jennifer
had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving
Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her
mother
by becoming angry, critical and withholding love when her mother didn't do
what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer's neediness,
entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on
approval
and attention from others.
Jennifer, now in her late 30's, finds herself continuing the pattern she
started
with her mother - attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The
result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any
of
the men she has dated.
We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that is
dysfunctional, it is
how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or
healthy. It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us
feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek
us
out, and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special,
our
behavior is dysfunctional.
HEALTHY SPECIAL-NESS
You will stop pulling on others to make you special only when you accept
the
full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning
to give
yourself all that you may be trying to get from others – treating yourself
in the
loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making
ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what
you
want, you can:
• TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
*Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be
doing that is causing painful feelings, rather than making others
responsible
for your feelings.
*Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.
*Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of
yourself – tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value
your
talents and gifts.
*Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance –
your
kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.
*Behave in ways that you value – being loving, kind, integreous,
compassionate, understanding, caring.
*Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.
• TAKE PHYSICAL RESPONSIBILITY:
* Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.
* Get enough rest and exercise.
* Create balance between work and play and creative time.
* Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.
• TAKE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:
*Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon
another, if physically able to do so.
*Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.
• TAKE RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY:
*Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying,
defending
or resisting in the face of others' demands or criticism. Don't be a
victim.
*Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings
and
behavior. Don't be a victim.
• TAKE ORGANIZATIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
*Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.
*Make sure your living space and work environment are clean and tidy, and
esthetically pleasing.
• TAKE SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY:
*Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.
*Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your
feeling self – your Inner Child.
Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling
internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special.
As Jennifer practiced making herself special, she discovered that her
relationships with others were becoming stronger and more fulfilling.
People
were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending
themselves
against her demands for attention. Her behavior naturally and gradually
changed with others when she was treat herself as a special person.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-
creator
of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding
now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
Phone sessions available.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BY NANCY
Dear Nancy,
Two months ago I started seeing a man.
Up front he told me he was seeing another woman
in another state.
I thought the way things were going between us that
things have cooled down between them.
I was wrong, as he was still calling her everyday.
sometimes twice a day and he still was going to see
her or have her come here.
Let me tell you this first, the chemistry between us
is so strong and we click right off.
We were together every Thursday, Friday, Saturday
and Sunday night.
Well what I did was call the other women
and told her he was cheating on her.
(I think she knew, she didn't act surprised)
Anyhow, I told him I phoned her and he said
he was not going to call me any more.
It's been a week.
My question is do you think he will call?
I miss him so much. I am 44 he is 46.
Thank you,
Margaret
=====================
Dear Margaret,
I understand how heartbreaking this must be for you to
experience. I do not believe this man will call you
back as he already stated to you in the beginning
the kind of relationship he looking for with you.
You have different relationship goals in mind and
have every right to experience a healthy, loving
and monogamous relationship with the right person.
This man however, is not the right person.
I know how easy it is to get caught up in the
chemistry of a relationship, especially in the
beginning. But, be mindful that chemistry does
not mean love. He is very physically attracted
to you, but is not in the same emotional place
you are.
God has the right man for you Margaret. I encourage
you to have faith in His perfect timing to open the
door to love for you. Do not settle for a situation
that makes you unhappy, unloved and unfulfilled.
=============================
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
Confidential replies can be obtained through
your purchase of ‘The Right Relationship Can Happen’
Visit Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1931947082/103-3406444-9942253
Simply forward your receipt
to
nancyp@yourtruematch.com
along with your relationship question.
I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
May God bless your life this week and may you experience abundant love!
|
