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Welcome to
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Secrets of Great Relationships: Part 3: Growth
by Dr. John Townsend
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that, but the really great make you
feel that you, too, can become great."
*Mark Twain
"Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests
itself."
*Oprah Winfrey
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Part Three: Growth
Secrets of Great Relationships
by Dr. John Townsend
Do you want a relationship that is happy? Of course-who wouldn't?
We all want happiness in our lives and relationships. However, how
one achieves happiness in a relationship is one of the best-kept
secrets I know! Here it is: People involved in top-quality
relationships do not seek happiness. Instead, they seek growth.
Growth, in turn, creates happiness. Not what you'd expect, but
it's true! Great relationships are made up of two people actively
involved in the process of spiritual and personal growth. They
believe in transformation and change, and they're growing. And
growing people receive happiness and joy as a byproduct of the
changes they are making in their own lives.
Happiness is a great result-but a poor goal. Have you ever heard
someone complain that his relationship was not doing well because
"she doesn't make me happy"? Such a comment is based on a false
assumption, one that has led the person to the wrong relational
goal. Relationships weren't intended to "make us happy." Happiness
doesn't always bring growth, which is what God is really
interested in. If you want a prime example of someone who is
focused on having others make him happy, look at a three year-old.
He demands-loudly-that others live life his way. But a
three-year-old is not an appropriate role model for an adult who
is capable of true love and able to maintain a relationship.
The Bible tells us to head for a different goal. Jesus taught us
that hungering for his righteousness, which involves the growth
process, is a blessed and fulfilling endeavor, for only the life
of God will satisfy us: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst
for righteousness, for they will be filled" (Matt. 5:6).
When you understand how this plays out in relationships, you'll
see the value of jumping into the growth process. Here are a few
thoughts to help you catch the vision:
Opportunities for growth abound. There are many things we all
could work on to become better people. Take a look at the brief
list below and see which issues you and the person in your life
can most identify with:
· Problems opening up and being vulnerable
· Self-sufficiency and attempts to be a strong person
· Inability to confront and be truthful
· Blaming and not taking ownership of our part in problems
· Issues of faith and connection to God
· Perfectionism and avoidance, instead of willingness to be real
and authentic
· Baggage from the past that burdens the present
· A judging and condemning conscience
The list could go on, but it's a good place to start. When two
people commit themselves to supporting each other's growth, they
are going a long way toward transforming themselves, each other,
and their relationship.
Growth affects the relationship. When each of you gets beyond "I
want to be happy" and into "I want to grow," the relationship
itself becomes transformed. Growing people become more vulnerable
and open with each other. They give each other grace and
acceptance, because they themselves have experienced the need for
grace. They tell each other the truth, because they realize that
truth helps growth. They celebrate each other's baby steps,
because they understand how hard growth is. The relationship
itself becomes a new entity, full of life and light.
Growth affects the individual. Not only is the relationship being
renewed, but each party in the relationship is becoming a new
creation as he or she grows. A growing person becomes more
lovable, more humble, more responsible, and more forgiving. He or
she is able to more freely love and be loved. Such a person
becomes increasingly attractive to others.
It's basically a matter of relational addition: One growing person
+ one growing person = one growing relationship. The relationship
in turn supports each individual's growth, and that growth then
nurtures the relationship, setting up a happy cycle of growth,
with the result that everyone increases in maturity. This is what
Christ was referring to
when He said: "From him the whole body, joined and held together
by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love,
as each part does its work" (Eph. 4:16).
Even one person can make a difference. Unfortunately, in some
cases only one person in a relationship is invested in spiritual
and personal growth. If you happen to be that one person, you may
be feeling discouraged and alone. However, this isn't the end of
the world. You can do a lot to change your relationship. Just keep
in mind that while
you may only be 50 percent of the relationship, you can still make
a 100 percent difference! This attitude can help a great deal.
Your modeling, your patience, your openness, and your honesty can
make a huge impact on how the other person perceives and
experiences the growth process. Many, many people have changed
because they were around a person who was growing and changing.
So if you want to be happy, get growing! Sit down with the person
you love and start talking issues, growth, and process. God will
be there, for He is very interested in those realities. God bless
you.
Dr. Townsend is a clinical psychologist and marriage, family and
child therapist. He has an extensive background in both inpatient
and outpatient treatment programs, and has a private practice in
Costa Mesa, California. He is a specialist on such topics as
biblical models of personality and character growth, and spiritual
issues of psychopathology.
Dear Nancy,
My boyfriend and I met 4 years ago and are seeing each other for
the past 3 and a half years now. We are madly in love, honest,
committed and are planning to get married in 1-2 years. There are
points of time in our relationship that I have certain weird but
nagging doubts as to do I really love him, am I attracted to him
and I though it was love. But then the things I say and do which
come naturally to me override those thoughts and Iam convinced
that I love him. We share great camaraderie, companionship and are
always there with each other in time of need. He is one person I
can tell everything to – simply call in the middle of the night
and cry my heart out and he wont say a thing.
He will hear me, console me and listen for as long as I need to
talk. He will advise me when I need it, scream his lungs out when
I am indifferent to what he says and when I need to hear him.
He has opened my eyes and showed me what I can be and what I
shouldn't be. I was reborn after I met him.I was in this world of
ignorance and he brought me to light. Initially, I was reserved
and did not communicate well but I have over the years come out of
my shell and the intimacy between us has also grown a lot. My
father was an alcoholic for many years and therefore I had slowly
started hating him. Could this have something to do with my
relationship doubts with my boyfriend?
My boyfriend is a wonderful person. More than the love I have for
him is the respect I have for him. We have fun, fool around do
everything. I get upset when I imagine my world without him and
the thought of me being with someone else and he getting married
to someone else. Then, why do these doubts nag me at times that am
I really serious about him? I don't want to do something half
heartedly? Could it be that because I wanted to make myself
believe that I love him, I did things for him and psyched myself
to feel that way and now there are two different parts in me. One
that says I madly love him and the other sometimes contrdicts it.
Or is it that after 3 years of a relationship, you don't feel that
strongly anymore and its just a phase? What is all this about? And
whay am I going through it? Is this insecurity because I don't
want to lose
him? Or what? Could you please guide me.
Thankyou
Sakshi
Dear Sakshi,
Thank you for writing to me and sharing your relationship
concerns.
You are correct that your feelings of ambivalence that you have
from time to time are a reflection of growing up with an alcoholic
father. One of the primary issues that adult children of
alcoholics (ACOA) deal with is emotional intimacy. It appears you
have been blessed to find someone who loves you and is working to
alleviate those fears.
Your father was your role model for the way men treat women, so
you more than likely have a core belief that the men you love will
abandon you, like your father did emotionally through his
alcoholism. Your feelings of ambivalence are the way you learned
to "protect" yourself from being hurt emotionally.
To get to a place where you can grow in your love for each other,
I encourage you to take the time and effort to work through these
feelings you have towards your father with a trusted minister or
counselor. Remember that you are not alone and this issue is not
something to be ashamed of or hidden. To experience relationship
happiness, you need to get to a place of forgiveness towards your
father. Forgiveness frees you from the past and allows you to
experience your relationship fully and presently. In a committed
relationship with the right person, time does not make your
feelings for one another lessen - time brings you closer together
as you grow stronger with each passing year.
I understand this is a difficult journey to make, but God wants to
bless you abundantly in every aspect of your life. If you turn
towards Him and ask for the wisdom to learn from the past and the
courage to forgive, you will see the positive change in your life
and your relationship. God works wonders though your life once you
have let go of any negativity that blocks His blessings for His
Will in your life.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
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With God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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