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Relationship Advice Article:

Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

  Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
   
  IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
   
  Guest Article: Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships
 - by Heather Tait
  
  Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
  
 
 
   
 "In any moment of decision the best thing you 
 can do is the right thing, 
 the next best thing is the wrong thing, 
 and the worst thing you can do is nothing.  
 After all, if we do the wrong thing, at least we can learn."
 
 *Theodore Roosevelt
   
 
   
 

Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships
 
One of the keys to obtaining a better life or living 
arrangement is to assess the quality of relationships that you surround yourself with. 
 Do you surround yourself with loving relationships or unhealthy relationships? 
 For someone that has a pattern or history with unhealthy relationships, 
 the difference between the two may be difficult to decipher.
 Healthy relationships are relationships that add to our well being, not subtract. 
 They bring out the best of us by being supportive of our goals and our inner selves. 
 Unhealthy relationships often cause us stress and subtract from our well being, 
 often leaving us feeling depleted of energy.
 
 Common symptoms of unhealthy relationships include sickness, stress, and a 
 negative outlook of ourselves and our world around us. People who are accustomed 
 to unhealthy relationships often stay cornered in situations like this because 
 they do not recognize that there is another way of living. They might continue 
 the unhealthy relationship indefinitely and never seek a better way of life for 
 themselves or they may leave the unhealthy relationship, but not the pattern. 
 
 The life pattern is essentially the root of the problem. The pattern may have 
 stemmed from family upbringing or any other form of influential relationship. 
 The key is to recognize the behavior and identify where it is coming from.
 
 A creative way to assess your patterns is to write it down. Take out a notebook 
 that you know you will keep for years to come. Write down all the major 
 relationships that you have had in your life. Your earliest form of relationship 
 more than likely was a family member or someone acting in this form. Note how 
 they showed you love. Then note how you reciprocated that love. Continue in a 
 chronological order with any additional relationships you have had, 
 i.e. friends, personal and love relationships.
 
 Next make a column on your right hand side. Re-read your assessments in order, 
 as you read through them determine whether they were healthy or unhealthy and 
 mark it down in your right hand column. Having an overview of your relationships 
 right before your eyes makes it easier to ‘look’ at. You may actually bring 
 issues to attention that you were not aware of before. For some this may even 
 be a rather emotional exercise, but be reminded it is an exercise encouraging 
 growth and healthy behavior. 
 
 Whatever your circumstance take time to assess your own involvements and 
choices  with relationships. Do you always pick a controlling relationship? 
Or do you always pick a relationship where you are the enabler? 
Are you respecting your own boundaries while you are in a relationship 
or are they being sacrificed? Are you always compromising your time and 
energy to please another? Or are you always compromising 
 your morals or beliefs? Are you maintaining a balance with yourself and other 
 activities? Or are you focusing so much on the other person that you are 
 not taking care of other obligations and priorities?
 
 All of these questions will help you identify the quality of choices you are making 
 when you are choosing relationships. Once you identify your pattern, you can no 
 longer deny an unhealthy relationship. Awareness will make your own behavior and 
 the unhealthy relationship even more difficult to tolerate.
 
 Once you identify your patterns and bring it fourth into awareness, the next 
 process is change. Granted the other party involved will not always agree or 
 like the change that you are going to make, but you have to take action for 
 yourself. In the long run you both will suffer if even one of you is unhappy. 
 
 How can we avoid unhealthy relationships? By learning to love and care for 
 ourselves regardless of whether or not someone is in our lives. Once we identify 
 our own needs we can easily work with others feelings without interfering with 
 our own. When we establish a relationship with ourselves, we no longer have to 
 have ‘needy’ relationships. Instead we can re-teach ourselves to have 
giving relationships. 
 
 Follow your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right to you with a relationship 
 then pay attention to those feelings. They are there for a reason. Some people 
 can grow together inside their relationships and some may have to grow apart. 
 The key isto look at ourselves and our relationships in their truest light.
 
 Know that each one of us is entitled to have a loving relationship or friendship. 
 We are worthy of receiving love just as we are worthy of giving it. True partnership 
 fills our cups with abundance, joy, and solidarity, a gift that multiplies within 
 our hearts and our families’.
 ----------
 Artist and Inspirational Writer Heather J. Tait began her career as a professional 
 artist back in 1997 in Morgan Hill, CA. 
 Her work and articles are displayed internationally. 
 She is also the founder of Silence Speaks International Artist Association
 and the Editor of Intrigue Magazine. She has also been inducted into the
 2004-2005 Who's Who Among American Women.
 
 contact@silencespeaks.com  http://www.silencespeaks.com

 
 TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE BY NANCY
 
   
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 Dear Nancy,
 
 My boyfriend and I have already been through a great deal 
 in the very short time that we have been together.  
 I have two questions really.  
 He needs to grow up, I have a child so of course 
 I am on a different level completely.  Do I want to stay with him, 
 in hopes that he will mature (ha - like other men do?) ... 
 I'm just not sure if I am wasting my time.
 
 Also - its kind of like I want him when I want him.  
 He is very clingy & needy, which drives me Crazy!!  
 I just want to relax & watch t.v, a kiss here and there.  
 He is all over me all the time!!  
 
 But then when he isnt around, that also drives me nuts 
 because I want him there.  What does that mean & what should I do?
 
 Thank you so much for any piece of advice you could give me.
 
 

 Dear Andrea,
 
 Thank you for writing to me and sharing your relationship concerns.  
 In time your boyfriend will mature, but it will take a number of 
 years before he is near your maturity level.  
 
 At this stage in your life, you may have a harder time relating 
 to him because you have a child.  He probably can't comprehend 
 your life experience since he has not had a child yet.
 
 The push-pull interaction you describe is apprehension about 
 being vulnerable with your boyfriend.  Unconsciously you push him 
 away when he's around as a way to protect yourself from possible 
 emotional hurt.  
 
 If you truly love one another, these issues can be worked through.  
 It will take a solid effort and commitment from both of you to 
 establish a strong foundation for your love to grow.  
 
 I encourage you to examine your past serious relationships 
 and see what emotional pain you may be holding onto.  
 Once you can forgive what has happened in the past and release 
 this pain, your heart will be free to allow love back into your life.
 
 If this relationship is meant to be, God will open the door 
 for you to make it work out.

Blessings,

Nancy

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