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Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Beating the "What-if" Blues
By Deanne Repich
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"Hard things are put in our
way, not to stop us, but to call
out our courage and strength."
*Anonymous
"While we may not be able to control all that happens to us,
we can control what happens inside us."
*Benjamin Franklin
Beating the "What-if" Blues
By Deanne Repich
Do you find that a lot of your negative thoughts begin with the
words "What-if?" Does one anxious thought lead to another and
another - only to become a negative spiral of worry? When this
happens, you're probably using what-if thinking.
WHAT IS "WHAT-IF" THINKING?
What-if thinking occurs when you make negative predictions about
the future, usually starting with the words "What if?" Most of us
can relate to Juan's story of what-if thinking. Juan is running a
few minutes late to work. The first thought that pops into his
head is: "What if I'm late for my nine o' clock meeting?"
But his thoughts don't stop there.
His negative thoughts start snowballing. "What if I walk in late
and everyone looks at me? What if I get nervous, start sweating,
and feel embarrassed? What if my boss notices I can't handle it
and I lose my job? What if I can't afford to feed my family?"
His body responds with a host of symptoms - his heart races, it's
tough to breathe, and there's a knot in his stomach the size of
Texas.
As you can see, when you use what-if thinking, one negative
prediction usually leads to another, and another, and another.
This negative chain has a snowball effect that leads to intense
feelings of anxiety, loss of control, and physical symptoms.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Studies show that you have the power to change your thoughts. When
you change your thoughts, you create biochemical changes in your
brain that affect how your body and mind feel and react. In other
words, change your thoughts and you change your reality!
How do you change your what-if thoughts? You do this by using the
three "R"s - Recognize, Replace, and Reinforce.
1) RECOGNIZE. Keep a small notepad with you. Each time you notice
yourself thinking a what-if thought, write it down. Writing things
down helps you to slow down and expose habitual negative thoughts
to the light of day. If you don't take the time to write down your
what-if thoughts, it's easy to miss them because you are so used
to them.
The Onion Technique.
The following technique can help you peel off layer after layer of
negative thoughts and reach the core negative belief. I call it
the Onion Technique because it's like peeling off layer after
layer of an onion until you reach the core. Here's how it works.
When you are in a fairly relaxed mood, take out your notepad and
open it up to the first what-if thought. Read the thought and then
ask yourself: "And what if that did happen? Then what would
happen?" Write down your answer. Repeat this process of digging
deeper several times, each time asking "And what if that did
happen? Then what would happen?" and writing down your answer.
After several layers you will reach your core belief - the belief
that is at the root of your fears. In Juan's case he might reach
this core belief: "If I can't feed my family, my wife and kids
will be disappointed in me. They'll leave me and I'll be all
alone." His real fear - what is driving his what-if thoughts - is
his fear of being rejected, unloved, and all alone if he
disappoints the people he loves. That's the belief that Juan needs
to replace in order to beat the what-if blues. His worry about
arriving a few minutes late to the meeting will fade once he
addresses this core issue.
2) REPLACE. Once you've pinpointed the core negative belief,
decide what your new belief will be. Adjust the old belief so that
it promotes your well being and reflects the reality you want to
create. When creating your new belief, make sure to:
-- use the present tense
-- use "I statements"
-- focus on what you want (not what you don't want)
In Juan's case, here are several new beliefs he may want to use to
replace the unhealthy belief:
-- "I am worthy of love, even when I disappoint others."
-- "I am loved for who I am, not how much I earn. I love my family
and we will get through life's challenges together."
-- "Since I am human, I will disappoint the people I love
occasionally. I can be imperfect and still receive love."
When you notice yourself using a what-if thought, stop it in its
tracks. It may help to visualize the word "No" or "Stop" in big
red letters in your mind. This action interrupts the thought. Then
immediately change your focus by replacing the what-if thought
with the new, healthier thought you created.
3) REINFORCE. Once you have chosen your new belief, reinforce it
several times a day. Say the new belief with feeling. Believe that
it is true, even if only for a moment.
Think it. Say it aloud. Write it down. You can even record
yourself saying the belief for several minutes and then play it
back every night just as you're drifting off to sleep.
Just like any other habit, the more you practice, the sooner it
will become second nature to you.
Making the new belief a part of your life takes time and
consistent practice, but the results are worth it. You chase away
the what-if blues and the physical symptoms that go along with it.
And even better, you change the way you look at life!
About the Author:
Deanne Repich is the Director of the National Institute of Anxiety
and Stress, a former anxiety sufferer, and creator of the Conquer
Your Anxiety Success Program. The course is a "take-action"
self-study program that guides you step by step through over
seventy practical strategies for overcoming anxiety. The course, a
free newsletter, and other helpful resources are available at:
http://www.ConquerAnxiety.com
Dear Readers,
I received this timeless message from Dr. Victoria Christian
and wanted to share this wonderful message with you.
A little something to put things in perspective...
After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park.
The forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the
inferno's damage.
One rangers found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched
statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree.
Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird
with a stick.
When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under
their dead mother's wings.
The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried
her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under
her wings,
instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise.
She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her
babies.
Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small
body.
The mother had remained steadfast.
She had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings
would live.
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will
find refuge." (Psalm 91:4)
Being loved this much should make a difference in your life.
Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of
it.
To realize the value of a sister
Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize the value of ten years:
ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone
special.
To realize the value of a friend: Lose one.
Put things in perspective.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
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I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
I pray that God shines
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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