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Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Why They They Come Back When You Let Go
By Barbara Rose
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"There is no such thing in
anyone's life as an unimportant day."
*Alexander Woollcott, 1887-1943, American Columnist and Critic
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite
hope."
*Martin Luther King, Jr. {1929-1968 American Civil Rights
Leader}
Why They They Come Back When You
Let Go
By Barbara Rose
I had to find the answer to this mystery. Why do people who break
off their relationship with you come back when you let go? I
received the answer, and am delighted to be able to pass it on to
you.
People are attracted to our glowing energy. They are attracted to
our highest and best. When you display “need” or sadness, or
clinging, or even an unconscious attitude of seeming as if you
must have their attention, or togetherness, this sends off signals
that are picked up as needy, clinging, desiring, as well as an
unspoken energy that somehow you are less than complete without a
certain person in your life. This is not attractive or desirable.
When I asked the question, the answer I received also addressed
how the people sense our energy even if you are not together.
What kind of people are most attractive and desirable? Those that
are radiating a glowing and genuine self-confidence; people who
have a solid and authentic sense of self; people that radiate
inner strength, dignity, self-respect, and passion. People that
know who they are, why they are here, have clear boundaries, as
well as healthy and authentic methods of personal communication.
People with a backbone that can also be gentle. In short, people
that are genuinely shining from within.
A diamond does not need another diamond to shine. When we “let go”
of another person and genuinely carry on with passion about our
life, we begin to glow or shine like a diamond. The other person
somehow “senses” this, and “feels” our shining energy. Now you’re
attractive, because you aren’t tugging any longer. You are
glowing, and this is the reason the other person comes back – they
truly find your glowing radiance attractive, admirable, and
desirable.
The big news is that this cannot be faked, or played as a game.
You can’t “try to get” another person and simultaneously be an
independently glowing and radiant diamond. Your sense of self must
be real, and your need for the other person truly has to be
replaced with all that you create in your life, from the inside
out that brings you authentic joy.
People are not our possessions. We do not “own” anyone, and the
more you “want” to be with the other person, the farther away you
are going to push them. The greatest thing to “want” is personal
freedom and a renewal of mind that authentically changes your
paradigm or view to one where you have a deep appreciation for who
you are, along with a complete release of any self-judgment or
recrimination, as well as releasing any judgment on the other
person.
People are all diamonds deep within. The true nature of humanity
is of light and goodness. Some people may just have different
preferences, or they may have wounds from traumatic situations
earlier in life where they took on self-protective methods to
cope, and don’t really know how to be in a healthy relationship.
So there cannot be blame, but only compassion. By understanding
this, it can help to free you from pain if a relationship of any
kind is not going according to your preferences. You have to live
according to your preferences, and truly “let go” of trying to get
another to see your perspective. People have to come to their own
realizations in their own time. Sometimes they may never come to
realizations, or grow at the rate you would like them to. However,
you are not in this life to try to get others to see your view.
All you can do is live your view for you, and set an example by
being your highest and best, as well as seeing that you are here
to make a difference in this world, however large or small.
Always say “yes” to what the universe is showing you, and realize
that there is a gift (of growth and realization) behind any
seeming negative situation. Do not fight it, but welcome and
embrace it. Then you will come to inner peace with it all, which
is the greatest way a life can be lived – with inner peace.
Be grateful if someone leaves your life, and thank him or her for
any difference they have made. Then, fly out of the trap of
judgment, anger or sorrow, and into the glowing radiance that you
are within. Once you view the situation as the gift that it is,
you are truly free. This is an exhilarating feeling. Then, should
fate or the course of life show you the return of someone you were
once dearly close to, you can take it extremely slowly to see if
you choose to open the door again.
Every choice must be made according to the genuine truth in your
heart. Your choices must reflect your highest and best views for
all concerned, while you maintain a solid sense of self, along
with care for all others. And should someone return to you after
you have parted, it is perfectly okay to let him or her know that
you aren’t sure if you want to be together again. It is okay to
wait, and carry on with your life, rather than rush into anything.
The most important thing to remember is that there is no person
that can ever fulfill you, or that will ever be perfect. No one
can be perfect, and no one should ever be expected to be. So what
do you do when someone returns? Take your sweet time, continue on
with your life, and keep your center and sense of self rock solid.
Then you can choose if you want to re-open the door or not, over
time, with extremely careful observation, and most importantly,
self-truth and self-love.
Barbara Rose
http://www.borntoinspire.com
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
I met this woman, she’s 22, I’m 30. She’s mature for her age and
is responsible
and all that. But, she has some issues from her past that she
needs to deal with. She has some walls up and doesn’t allow people
to get too close. I knew this from the beginning so we decided to
be just friends and let her deal with her getting over her ex.
Sounds easy enough.
However, we have such a connection and we have so much fun
together that we started a relationship without even thinking
about it. It happened right in front of us. She told me that her
walls were coming down with me and she began opening up about
things in her past. It’s nothing too crazy just things she needs
to deal with and she knows it and she wants to take care of them
so that maybe in the future we can have something.
Now, I also have some issues about my past that I have to deal
with. I started going to counseling to deal with the loss of my
father and some abandonment issues created way back when I was 12
or 13. Basically we decided we’re not ready
for a relationship and we both need to deal with these things on
our own.
My counselor asked me not to have any contact with her AT ALL for
a while so I can deal with this issue. Erin and I talked about it
and she completely understood b/c she had just asked me for the
same space. The next day she called me from vacation in Florida to
wish me a happy St.Patrick’s Day and to wish me luck on my exam. A
nice thing to do but only one day after we said no contact. She
then called me two days later just to say hi. Then I went to
Florida and I called her a few days later, which I shouldn’t have
done. She called me a few days later and then when I got home
(about 10 days after we decided no contact) she wanted to see me
and she slept over. Nothing happened and we did talk about no
contact and what we were doing.
I guess we just missed each other, it’s hard for us. We both want
to be together I think but we know we can’t right now. So, this is
actually the 3rd time we have tried to be just friends. But we
both think this time its different b/c we finally admit we both
have issues we have to deal with. We have set limits. We’re not
going to be intimate. I’m not going to email her or text messages
her AT ALL.
Do you see anything happening here? Are we being overly
optimistic? Do you think it's ok for us to at least try to be
friends? I mean, I am taking of myself and my issue
with my dad right now with counseling and I have made myself a top
priority and so
has she. Do you think if she was older that it would be easier to
stay apart?
Is it true that if we really have a connection and are truly meant
to be together than 3 months of no contact won’t harm that? Its
just really hard for us not to talk at all and I don’t think
talking once or twice a week is going to hurt as long as we don’t
get intimate and just hang out as buddies.
Thanks Nancy,
Gregg
Dear Greg,
You are correct that you both need to come to terms with your past
issues
before you can truly commit to one another. If you do not go
through this process,
you will continue to attract people into your life who recreate
the same type of
feelings of abandonment you had with your dad – and Erin will do
the same. Keep in
mind that each person is most highly attracted to those who ignite
the core
beliefs and unresolved issues that are suppressed or otherwise not
dealt with.
You may be able to have a committed relationship with Erin in the
future
if you both are able to release the pain of the past.
The advice you received from your counselor is wise. Talking with
Erin
a few times a week and trying to spend time with her as a friend
is
counterproductive for both of you. Neither you nor Erin desires a
platonic
relationship, and maintaining contact during this period only
makes it more
difficult to overcome your past issues and prolongs the healing
process.
She may be mature for her age in many ways, but in matters of the
heart,
she is still young. She keeps calling you because she is
unconsciously afraid
you will forget about her and abandon her. If your relationship is
meant to be,
and God’s will for your life and Erin’s life, it will work out at
the right time.
Don’t allow fear to rule your emotions. I encourage you to take
your counselor’s
advice and stop all communication with Erin during this time. If
you haven’t
done so, make sure she knows how much you care and that you truly
want a
loving, emotionally healthy, meaningful and lasting relationship
with her after you have both made peace with your past. You have
your priorities in order. Stay strong and don't be afraid to
maintain the boundaries you have set with Erin.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
Confidential replies can be obtained through
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I pray that God shines
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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