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Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: The Top 10 Things to Remember About Happiness
By Diana Robinson, Ph.D.
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"No matter what age you are,
or what your circumstances might
be, you are special, and you still have something unique to
offer. Your life, because of who you are, has meaning."
*Barbara De Angelis
THE TOP 10 THINGS to REMEMBER ABOUT
HAPPINESS
By Diana Robinson, Ph.D.
Almost all of us want to be happy. Being happy is not a skill
taught in school. If we are lucky, our parents taught us about
happiness, either by example or by shared
wisdom. For the rest of us, there are some important things to
remember about happiness, and the art of being happy.
1. It is OK to want to be happy.
It is not unduly selfish, or materialistic, or self-centered.
Wanting to be happy is normal.
2. To pursue happiness is an inalienable right - to be happy is
not.
Some people seem to believe that they have a right to be happy,
that other people should make them happy, that when they are not
happy they have a right to complain about it and that complaining
will cause them to be happy. All three premises are false.
3. No one owes you happiness.
Assuming you are an adult, your happiness is not anyone else's
problem. If you are a person who spreads happiness, then others
will probably want to contribute to your
happiness. This is their choice, not your right.
4. Happiness comes from attitude, from within.
We become happy when we cultivate an attitude of appreciation and
gratitude, when we focus on the good stuff. One way to do this is
by keeping a regular gratitude journal. This gets us in the habit
of looking for what is good in our lives, and when we focus on
that we are likely to be happy.
5. Owning more things does not make you happy.
Advertisers would like to make us believe that we can buy
happiness, but we cannot buy happiness by buying more things.
Wanting things goes back to our heritage as
hunter-gatherers. It was important to hunt, and to gather, but
that was for reasons of survival. For most of the people reading
this, our 'wants' rarely relate to our survival.
6. Happiness is more a process than it is a goal.
When I get... when I reach... when I am... we may think that
happiness is something that will come, or will happen, one day.
Eventually, we will probably find that happiness is the journey,
and that if we focus only on the destination we will never get
there.
7. Talking about unhappiness does not make you happy.
It is true that we all need to vent at times. The purpose of
venting is to express our dissatisfaction with something so that
we can move on. If we vent just to let others know how badly used
we are and how awful something is, nothing new will happen. If we
keep our mental attic filled with unhappy stuff, there will be no
room for anything else. We need to get rid of it so as to make
room for the happy thoughts to move in.
8. Happiness is more often accompanied by accomplishments than by
compliments. Certainly it is nice to be appreciated, and we all
need to receive encouraging words
from others. But they need to be based on fact. The empty words
that are just intended to 'raise self-esteem' ring hollow when we
know that we have truly done nothing to deserve them. It is when
we have worked and achieved that we can know that the words ring
true, and can really feel good about them and ourselves.
9. Memories of happy times can be stored up for retrieval during
the bad times. Very few of us will never feel unhappy, will never
fall into 'the slough of despondence.' A major help then is to
remember the times when we were happy, and the fact that we have
those memories 'in the bank.' They are a part of us, they can
remind us that we are capable of happiness, and that the world is
not always out to make us miserable. When you are happy,
consciously store up the memories - they will serve you well.
10. Happiness comes from sharing happiness.
There are few joys as complete as those that involve bringing joy
to someone else. Happiness defies the laws of economics in that it
is not something that we have less of when we give it away. It is
something that grows greater for the giver as it is given. The
more you give, the more you have.
About the Author:
Diana Robinson, Ph.D., is a Personal & Career Coach
http://www.choicecoach.com
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
Dear Nancy,
My boyfriend and I have dated for a year. He has an ex-wife
(separated and divorced for 2 years). She left him and gave no
reason and they have a 4 year old daughter. He bought a house and
we were moving in together. He told his ex-wife about the move, a
week later she confronted him and said that she wants to work
things out and get back together.
He informed me of this and told me that he needs to think about it
because he never got closure and of course for the sake of the
family. I was heart broken, our relationship was wonderful!! After
this incident I found a place to live and we did not talk for a
week. Out of the blue he calls me up and tells me he misses me and
is torn between me and his family.
It has been about a month later and he calls me everyday and we
talk just about everything and we cry but he is still torn. He
tells me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but at the
same time he needs closure and/or to figure out if he still has
feelings for his ex after all that she has put him through.
We have seen each other a couple of times over the past month and
the feelings are still there. Everyone tells me that I need to
stop talking to him and let him go and if it is meant to be he
will figure things out and come back. It is easier said than done.
He is my best friend and we talk about not talking but neither one
of us can do it and he will call me the next day and tell me that
he can't not talk to me, that he is scared while he figures out
his feelings with his ex that I will find someone else.
So, my question is, should I keep communicating with him or let
him go?
This is such a hard thing to do.
Dear Jessica,
As hard as it is to stop communicating with your boyfriend, you
must let him go and
allow him the time to figure out what he wants to do. If this
relationship is meant to
be, God will bring you back together. If it's not in His perfect
plan for your life Jessica, you need to trust that He has the
right relationship partner for you.
I'm sure his feelings for you are sincere, but do you want a
relationship with a man
who is still not sure if he should even be with you? He is correct
that he needs closure with this past relationship. If you do not
allow him the opportunity to go through this process you will keep
your relationship in limbo. He also is dealing with issues of
abandonment that he must work through as well in order to create
an emotionally healthy, loving and lasting commitment.
The initial period of not talking to each other will be difficult,
but you must be strong and stop accepting his calls. He needs to
not only work through this issue, but he needs to forgive what has
happened in the past and release his fears. This will take some
time as these issues did not form overnight.
Please take this opportunity to speak with your boyfriend about
stopping your communication with each other during this time.
Reassure him of your feelings, but be firm and allow God to do His
work in his life.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
Confidential replies can be obtained through
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I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
Remember that with God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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