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Welcome to Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ISSUE:
Guest Article: Is neediness ruining your love life?
By Dr. John Gray
Today’s Relationship Advice by Nancy
"Optimism is essential to
achievement and it is also the
foundation of courage and true progress."
*Nicholas Murray Butler {1862-1947 Nobel Laureate}
Is neediness ruining your love
life? - By Dr. John Gray
In a recent survey conducted at AskMarsVenus.com,
“neediness”—clingy, controlling, possessive and/or demanding
behavior—was one of the most commonly cited reasons for ending a
relationship. Dating couples are calling it quits because they
feel they either cannot or do not want to please their partner!
It’s simply TOO MUCHWORK! If you’re a member of the dating world,
and are confused about why it isn’t working for you- the answer
lies in a better understanding of how the opposite sex thinks.
First, what qualifies as “needy?” In some cases a person may be
considered needy if others are repeatedly unable to make them
happy. In everyday conversations this
person may be referred to as “high maintenance” or “difficult.”
Other attributes of a “needy” person are that they can be
demanding, sometimes to the point of being rude or inconsiderate
of others. They may also have a difficult time thinking of others
or placing them first. Truly needy people desire to be the center
of attention. Unfortunately, these qualities are not very
appealing or attractive to someone searching for a mate.
Unfortunately, there are often times in a relationship when you
may not get your needs met. This can inspire “needy” behavior.
Discussion board members at
MarsVenus.com frequently mention feeling at the end of their rope
as far as getting their needs met by their partners, despite the
lengths they have gone to in order to be heard. They have tried
everything from repeated phone calls and emails to conversations
demanding to know where their partner was, and why s/he didn’t
call. The problem is, neither men nor woman will be inspired to
hear your concerns if they feel they are being yelled at or
stalked!
While the behaviors just discussed sound a bit irrational, they
often occur when a seemingly healthy man or woman is unable to get
what they want from a relationship.
We’re here to tell you that there is another way. Men and women
are not doomed to late night “drive bys” or stalker-like phone
calls to find happiness in their relationships.
The first and most important thing to understand is that men and
women have different needs, and therefore give to each other
differently. Think of it this way, if your favorite meal is sushi,
on some level don’t you think everyone must love sushi because you
do? We expect on some level that if we want to be treated one way,
our partners must want the same thing. But that assumption is a
big mistake!
Both men and women have basic, primary needs. Women need to feel
cared for, understood, and respected, and men need to feel
trusted, accepted and appreciated. One example of what happens in
the real dating world is that women want to be called on a regular
basis. When a man does this it tells her that he cares about her.
When he doesn’t, it makes her feel disrespected. On the other
hand, when a man doesn’t call he wants to be accepted for who he
is, and not made to be a “bad guy” for not calling.
When a woman becomes angry or disappointed in him for not calling
he begins to feel like she doesn’t trust that he’s good enough for
her, and his motivation to call diminishes even further.
Neediness is created when perfectly sane and normal people do not
get their needs met. Especially if they are genuinely interested
in the person they’re dating. Feeling
powerless to change your partner’s behavior, and get what you want
out of a relationship, inspires the feelings and actions of a
needy person. Someone who seemed like they were “relationship
material” is suddenly unattractive and demanding.
If you have felt the ugly neediness monster creeping into your
dating life, or current relationship, there are two possible
obstacles in your way:
1. You’re dating or in a relationship with someone who is not
aware of what you need and how to give it to you. There are
specific ways to ask the opposite sex for what you need in order
to motivate them to want to give it to you. You may simply not be
asking for what you want in a way that your partner can clearly
understand. Remember, men and women are different!
2. The other possibility is that your partner may not be motivated
to meet your needs, and that may be a sign that the end is near.
Relationships can be challenging, and we all have to find the
energy to give to our partners, sometimes when we least feel like
it. You would be surprised how easy it is to save a relationship
as long as you act before it’s too late.
If you’re not sure which of these two issues is the real problem,
a call to an Ask Mars Venus Coach can help. Feeling needy is often
a sign that you are either not
communicating your needs to your partner in a way that they can
hear, or it's a sign of a deeper problem. If you are simply not
communicating in your partner's language,
this is a quick fix, and you can get back to having happy times
quickly. But, if there is something bigger going on, before you
can genuinely reconnect with your partner, you need to work on
what is causing you to feel needy.
Perhaps you have been giving too much, and you feel like you're
not being appreciated or cherished. Or you may have a partner who
does not make the time to see how special you are. You may also be
sensitive to "being needy" because of old hurts and wounds from
past loves. Whatever the reason, if you are dealing with a deeper
problem, you sense of being needy will not go away until you
uncover the root of your issue and positively process your
feelings. A Mars Venus Coach can help you not only process your
feelings, but they can teach you how to do this easily, and
successfully so you can get the most out of your relationships.
About the Author
John Gray, Ph.D., is the Author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are
from Venus He is an internationally recognized expert in the
fields of communication and relationships and the author of twelve
bestsellers, has been conducting personal-growth seminars for
thirty years.
http://www.askmarsvenus.com
Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina
Dear Nancy,
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me.
From the beginning he knew that I was a virgin and that I
wasn't going to have sex until marriage.
But he decided that he couldn't wait and broke up with me.
He said I was perfect marriage material but that he just couldn't
wait.
So I am wondering after lots of break ups for the same reason if
I am being stupid and if I should give up?
When we broke up he said that I was being unreasonable
and that I would never find a man that would wait.
I am 23 and wondering if he is right.
Is he right and no man in the world will wait until marriage for
sex?
Dear Tammy,
Because you took a vow to wait until marriage to have sex, I
encourage
you to stand strong and not compromise yourself and your promise
to wait.
Your ex-boyfriend is not right when he said you are being
unreasonable.
There is nothing wrong with having convictions on such an
important matter.
The feelings and emotions around intimacy are intense and should
be shared
ideally with your marriage partner. God is testing your integrity
Tammy.
He wants to see if you have faith in His plan for your life – and
that He will bring
the right man into your life in His perfect timing.
I would also encourage you to examine why you believe you attract
men
into your life who break up with you over this issue.
Please write to me at
asknancy@yourtruematch.com to see your advice here.
Confidential replies can be obtained through
your purchase of ‘The Right Relationship Can Happen’
Visit Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1931947082/103-3406444-9942253
Simply forward your receipt
to
nancyp@yourtruematch.com
along with your relationship question.
I will reply to you within 24 hours or less.
Remember that with God on your side, who
dare be against you?
I pray that He shine
His light upon you and bless you with
peace, joy and happiness.
May God bless your life and may you
experience abundant love!
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