Relationship Advice
The Right Relationship Can Happen:How To Create Relationship Success by Nancy Pina
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Relationship Grievances: Steps To Resolving Conflicts 

June 7, 2004

       As difficult as it can be, finding a constructive manner in which to air grievances provides an open and honest relationship. Burying issues, and avoiding conflict and disagreements, do not have a place in a healthy relationship. Accept the fact that you will get on each other’s nerves. You will disagree from time to time. Learn how to argue in a constructive manner to resolve the issue at hand and not tear each other apart personally. Each has the responsibility to resolve issues around emotional buttons. It is important to express how and why you feel a certain way and freely discuss your reactions. Recommended steps for resolving conflict are as follows:

• Agree to reach a resolution. Many of us take a fight-or-flight approach to conflict, sometimes only to make our point stick. You and your future partner are on the same side of the same team, which is difficult to remember when you are in a heated argument. Resolution is defined as both parties compromising to reach a solution. It is not about one person getting his way and the other person caving in to manipulation or feeling defeated.

• Explore your feelings. Why are you so upset? Explore your reaction to the event and see if you are responding to the present situation or reliving a past hurtful event. See if this issue is really about you and your significant other or you and someone from your past.

• Identify what you want. Speak up. See what you and your partner can work out for a mutually satisfying resolution. Your partner cannot give you want you want if you don’t have the courage to ask for it. Remember, you are in love with each other and all relationships are driven by feelings. You want to feel good, your partner wants to feel good, and you both have the same wish for each other. Keep that in mind as you express your desires.

• Generate options and possible solutions. Be willing to back up your requests and desires with a solution that is mutually satisfactory. Sometimes we say no to a new way of doing things simply because we have not thought of an alternative. Back up your statement with a good argument that is reasonable.

• Choose mutual action. Resolving conflict does not mean to take on more responsibility simply because it is easier than arguing. A relationship is a partnership, a joint effort. If one person ends up being responsible for making the union work on every level, resentment will build up. Avoid the trap of laziness and work out fair resolutions to issues that arise. One person is not assigned to do all the work while the relationship revolves around the other person’s whims and desires.

• Evaluate the outcome. If the first solution doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to revisit the issue and make changes. Many times what seems doable in theory is flawed in reality. Do not chastise your partner, for that only will encourage avoidance in the future with other issues.

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